Chris Miceli

MADONNA FILMED 1993's Body of Evidence here in Portland, and it has everything a true Portlander can get behind: murder, loads of sex, tons (kilos?) of cocaine talk, and ample shots of Madonna's boobs. If you're a Portlander, you'd be crazy not to watch this movie once. Here are a few thoughts that a five-year resident had seeing it for the first time.

Movie opens to rain, thunder, lighting, and a mansion. Were there rich people in Portland in the '90s? Oh, it's the Pittock Mansion.

Nipple clamps?! Wow, that's a perfect pair of boobs you've got there, Madonna. Rich guy is watching a porn tape he made with Madonna. Wonder if he entered it in HUMP!? Flash to a nighttime Portland skyline. Where are the bridges? The doughnuts? The unicyclists?

Willem Dafoe and his family are eating in a restaurant (oh hai, Julianne Moore!). I can't make out where they're at exactly, but as they get up to leave, Dafoe throws his Bulls hat on his kid. Blazers BURN.

Cut to the Portlandia statue, one of the only things that no other city can claim. They pan up from the bottom, making the statue look haunting. Actually, pretty nice camera work here.

In the cop shop. "Cocaine use is illegal in the state of Oregon," Willem Dafoe says to Madonna. She answers, "I've never used it in Oregon." Everyone laughs! When they leave the sheriff's department, I spy a TriMet bus in the background.

We get another Portland skyline, this time at twilight. I can see a freeway, some water, maybe that's the hotel near what would become the Rose Garden. (The arena wouldn't open until two years after the movie came out.) That must be the KOIN Center lit up. They should've made the mountains more majestic! Who's the cinematographer on this thing? (Google break: It's Douglas Milsome, "known for his work on Full Metal Jacket, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, and The Shining." And, uh, Body of Evidence. How the mighty fall.)

And now we're at Multnomah County Jail. (Yep, been there.) Madonna gets out on bail. HORSE COPS! IT'S RAINING! FREMONT BRIDGE! And now they're driving on the Hawthorne Bridge. Shhhhh, Willem and Madonna are talking about how Portlanders "have very conservative views about sex." Madonna says, "No they don't, they just don't talk about it. They're such hypocrites." Remember, this was all pre-She Bop.

Madonna: "Is it still raining? Can you give me a ride home?" Oh TWIST, she lives on a houseboat?

Flash to the next day, we get a long look at the beautiful marble staircase and walls inside the courthouse. Nothing snarky to say here, it's just pretty.

At the trial, Madonna is asked: "Weren't you a patient at the Mt. Hood Substance Abuse center?" Way to make a local reference, Body of Evidence!

And we're back inside the houseboat... is this the same as the Sleepless in Seattle houseboat? (Google tells me no.) Madonna and Willem finally get freaky. Nothing about their lovemaking is particularly Portland-esque, unless the candles they're dripping on each other are made of artisanal soy.

Madonna finally takes the stand. Madonna to prosecutor Joe Mantegna: "Portland's a small city. I even dated a man who dated a woman you dated."

Ummm, yeah, that's about how I'd describe this town, too. I guess Portland hasn't changed that much since 1993.


The Madonna Issue

It's Our Madonna Issue!

Madonna Begins

Madonna's Sex Positive Feminism

How Madonna Brought Club Music to the Pop Charts

The Best Videos of Madonna and Jean-Baptiste Mondino

Madonna's Misunderstood Erotica

Just Like Madge

Our Halloween Costume Guide!

Coming to Terms with Sex

The Madonna-Off

Body of Evidence: Boobs, Bondage, and the Pittock Mansion

Madonna's Monumental First Album

Madonna's Five Sexiest Songs That Aren't "Like a Virgin"

The Woeful Cinematic Career of Madonna