Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

IT'S MARCH MADNESS! Even if you don't follow much sportsball, there's a good chance you're participating in some type of office bracket, or you're going to watch because your school made the cut.

And perhaps you're thinking, "What would make this even better?" (To which I answer, "Turn off the TV and read a goddamn book," which gets me a long silence from you.)

Yes, of course, cannabis! Basketball and cannabis go together like basketball players and their consumption of cannabis. I'd be happy to list all the athletes who've admitted to or been busted using marijuana, but this column is only 500 words.

Instead, let's consider the types of viewers and playoff situations, and determine what may be a good choice for each.

You don't really care about March Madness. I feel you on this. Stick with a strain with a higher sativa content, or even a pure sativa like Durban Poison. It'll keep you awake and engaged, and possibly giggling when the team you're supposed to care about blows a big play. Just because there's a great deal riding on this doesn't mean it can't be funny.

You do care about March Madness. Because, you know, 12th man or whatever. Try a hybrid that's an even split between indica and sativa, like Jack Herer. It will keep you awake and relaxed—without making you so relaxed you fail to notice the goddamn ref blew the call again. Is that guy on the take? What's up with that?

You care—waaaay too much. You do understand you didn't make the team, right? And the players can't hear you shouting out brilliant calls and suggestions? Stop screaming at the TV, man. You're scaring the cat. Before you have a stress-induced stroke, try something on the heavier indica side, maybe a nice Afghani or LA Woman. If you start smelling burnt toast, call 911.

You win! "We are the champions, my friiiiiiiend." Congratulations! By proxy, you, too, are a winner, thus erasing all your insecurities, fears, and dashed dreams. This calls for something special, perhaps some water-extracted bubble hash. It's so pure that it "bubbles" when you smoke it, and no solvents were used in its production. It's the champion's choice.

You win—big time. Dabs. And you're buying a round for your friends. For each of them, not just one that you all share. Have fun, you big (basket) baller. Just mind the blowtorch.

You lose, and start crying. Jesus Christ. You're making your roommate and your guests very uncomfortable. Get it together, dude, seriously. Obtain an edible and lie down in your room until you gain some perspective. Stick with the dose listed on the package. When you wake up, watch some cartoons.