Ryan Alexander-Tanner

LISTEN UP, READERS, we are right in the guts of summertime. (UNLESS YOU'RE IN THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE. This column isn't for you, southern-ass, hemisphere-ass, motherfucker-ass jerks. WE DON'T RESPECT YOU. WE THE NORTH. I'm just kidding, you're great, you're the home of Swaziland, for gosh sake! Who could hate on Swaziland? Anyway, this is about summer.)

When you're in the tender, sweaty-but-you're-okay-with-it grasp of summertimez, you're also in the scrumptious clutches of BBQ season. Now if there's one thing I care about, it's that your life stays tasty—even your life, Keith. (Does anyone named Keith read this?) So in the interests of keeping things max tasty, I humbly submit the following, RICH HOMIE KARM'S RULES FOR BBQ SEASON MAXIMUM TASTINESS:


Sure, you're gonna be tossing a thick cut of ruined animal onto the grill—but before you do, you're gonna have to get your Prometheus on and conjure up a source of heat. Some people use charcoal, some people use applewood... but for my money, nothing whispers flavor into your meal like burning literature. Take your favorite books, set them on fire, and use that fire to cook your meat. Do I detect a note of Atticus Finch in those ribs? The flavor in this brisket is so complex! Well it should be, when you're cooking with the complicated nuance of Lolita. One thing's for sure, it'll be a real Confederacy of Lunches when you're cooking with books.


Sure, every BBQ is good, but every BBQ is also kind of samey. It's the same drinks, the same people, and worst of all, the same meat. Chicken, beef, and pork are fun... but why not take a walk on the wild side with a little bit of lamb? Maybe some buffalo? I can see that look in your eyes—buffalo isn't adventurous enough for you. Okay, fine, eat some emu. Emu still isn't enough for you? Wow, you're... you're nuts. Okay, whale meat. Grill up some fucking whale meat. WHALE MEAT ISN'T ENOUGH FOR YOU? YOU CAN'T EVEN GET OFF ON THE THRILL OF KILLING A WHALE? What do you want? What do you fucking want? Oh my god. Oh my god. You fucking monster. You want to kill and eat Steven Tyler. Well good luck, you fucking psycho. Good luck finding him, let alone getting past his security and killing him. You make me sick.


Set up a table with some dominoes, or play some charades! I was in your garage earlier and saw all the fixings for a game of horseshoes in there. Why not drag those out? I also saw a cage in your garage. A human-sized cage. Why do you have that? Why is there a microphone covered in scarves in your human-sized cage? What are you planning? ANSWER ME. . @IanKarmel