Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I know I recently took to these pages to talk about how I think Thanksgiving is basically a trash holiday for garbage people, but as the day draws nearer, I find my heart softening. I mean, I still think turkey is the worst meat, and I still think sweet potatoes are something that pilgrims ate because they lived in fear of a malevolent god and wanted to punish themselves before he could—BUT, I'm into the idea of being grateful. So, presented here for your reading pleasure and angry half-dicked internet comments, are some things for which I am grateful.
TWITTER: I know Twitter is on its way out as a social media platform, but last night I saw Garry Shandling and Kristin Chenoweth talking about Drake on Twitter, and it felt more alive than ever. Garry Shandling and Kristin Chenoweth talking about Drake! Specifically, talking about "Hotline Bling." Before last night, if you put a gun to my head and said, "NAME TWO PEOPLE WHO DEFINITELY AREN'T TALKING ABOUT DRAKE RIGHT NOW" I would have absolutely screamed out "Garry Shandling and Kristin Chenoweth," and then you would have killed me.
I have so many questions. Did Shandling find out about Drake at the gym he boxes at? Have Drake and Chenoweth met before, and if so, does she call him Aubrey? Did Drake watch The Larry Sanders Show? Drake seems like he watched The Larry Sanders Show. Either way, a round of applesauce for Twitter.
LEBRON JAMES: I'm not talking about LeBron the basketball player, although as a fan of the sport, I'm eternally grateful for that. I'm talking about LeBron, the balding 30-year-old man. I love balding LeBron so much. He's been fighting back his forehead for a few years now, but I wish he'd just let it go. I wish he'd fully embrace the one physical shortcoming he was handed by whatever team of gods dreamed him up.
Picture LeBron James sprinting down the court like a supersonic Brinks truck, and then taking to the skies to finish an alley-oop slam dunk, coming back to earth and pounding his chest like a professional wrestler. Cool, right? Now picture him doing it with George Costanza's haircut. He's already an icon of sport, I want him to become an icon of self-esteem. How much better would you feel about your weird tooth, or your flabby midsection, or your dumb ears if LeBron was out there defying physics looking like Space Jam George Jefferson? I'd certainly feel better.
YOU: Maybe this will seem corny, but thank you for reading this column. I've been doing it for (roughly) three years now, and it always means the world to me when people come up to me on the street and tell me they enjoy it. Now do me one more solid and come to my shows at Helium Comedy Club this weekend (Nov 27-28). I'm donating all my proceeds to Planned Parenthood, so it's a good-ass cause. Happy Thanksgiving, you goons.