Ryan Alexander-Tanner

LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND why we shouldn't spoil movies for each other. The surprise and suspense of experiencing a truly iconic movie is rare enough—we don't need to go around salting that earth for other people just because we're inconsiderate, clumsy, or rude. Star Wars: The Force Awakens has been out for long enough, and you've had plenty of opportunities to see it. In fact, if you haven't seen it by now, you deserve to be punished—punished with spoilers, so that's what I'm going to do right now. Sorry, Star Wars fans/people who read this on the bus once a week, here's your official list of Star Wars spoilers.

CHEWBACCA TALKS!: Looks like Chewbacca spent his time since Return of the Jedi with a copy of Rosetta Stone! Not only does Chewbacca (now voiced by Glee's Jane Lynch) speak perfect English, he doesn't skimp on the space-sass when he does it. If you're a fan of catch phrases, get ready to make the Kessell FUN in 12 Parsecs, because Chewie has a bunch of 'em, including "How 'bout we don't and say we did," "Wookiee don't play that," and "The Force is WRONG in this one." He's also fully clothed and mostly wears polo shirts and khaki shorts.

DROID SEX: Oh yeah. The droids fuck in this one. All of them.

SPACISM: Space racism (or spacism) is back, baby! The prequels gave us Jar Jar Binks (Jamaican?!), the Trade Federation (Japanese!?), and Watto (definitely supposed to be some kind of greedy Jew!). And The Force Awakens picks up right where those movies left off. Meet Darth Lopez, who uses the powers of the dark side to STEAL THE REBELLION'S JOBS. Oh, and that swarthy fellow with the gigantic mustache making pizza pies and threatening to murder everyone? That's Obi-Wan Italianguy.

PRACTICAL EFFECTS: The Force Awakens director JJ Abrams grew up a Star Wars fan, so he knew how important it was not to just rely on CGI for special effects. The droids? Real! The aliens? Make-up! The 45-minute-long rollerblade race between Han Solo and six different bounty hunters? Harrison Ford didn't even use a stuntman. (Harrison Ford loves rollerblades!)

JABBA THE HUTT'S BIG GROSS DICK: I didn't know how bad I wanted to see Jabba the Hutt's big gross dick until Adam Driver's Kylo Ren character forced a group of stormtroopers to stare at a picture of it that he carried around in his wallet—but man! Highlight of the movie for me.

BORING!: In an effort to get Neil deGrasse Tyson to shut the fuck up for once, all the science in Star Wars: The Force Awakens is completely accurate. And you know what that means: All the scenes in space are silent, travel between planets takes forever, and this movie is boring as fuck!