ABOUT LAST NIGHT Kevin Hart: now a movie star, whether you like it or not.

ABOUT LAST NIGHT is a romantic comedy coming out on Valentine's Day. Men who have given up (or who maybe never tried) will be dragged to it by their sexless, nagging girlfriends, and on the way home they'll swear they're not like the selfish, stupid characters in the movie, while arguing that their girlfriend is. They'll huff into bed or dramatically grab some pillows to go sleep on the couch, and within a day or a month, they'll realize that they can't live without that rain cloud of a relationship, because they are predictable, needy assholes, and they can only be validated by "love."

Or so About Last Night would have us believe, because it is full of unoriginal, offensive clichés. The male characters (played by Kevin Hart [ugh] and Michael Ealy [swoon]) are your classic misogynists with hearts of gold and nice apartments who have the maturity of eighth graders. The female characters (Regina Hall and Joy Bryant) are emotionally erratic vehicles for breasts. Everybody is a co-dependent disaster! There's yelling, and a LOT of John Legend, and aside from a great moment when Kevin Hart stabs himself with a dart, it's pretty unwatchable. As in, it actually looks bad. It hurt my eyes as well as my soul.

Look, I'm not trying to be a cynical harpy. I know that lots of people like Valentine's Day, and lots of people like romantic comedies! But About Last Night is not romance; it's the plastic-wrapped, heart-shaped garbage that you bought at Rite Aid on your way over with a single rose that's already withering (like your youth and your dreams). About Last Night is a cheap, mass-produced idea of romance that pretends to be sweet, when it's actually just some crap that will probably give you cancer. And then you'll die alone.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day!