Admittedly, 2008 wasn't a super-strong year for videogames—but if you were willing to look hard enough, there were still some great games to be had. And also some creepily symbolic weapons.
Most Adorable Burlap Midgets—Sackboys (LittleBigPlanet)
The inclusion of LBP's burlap characters not only offered gamers a hyper-cute protagonist for the PlayStation 3's new flagship title, it also swayed millions of perverts hoping to catch a glimpse of that sweet Sackgirl bajingo.
Best Game None of You Played (You Dicks!)—Bangai-O Spirits
Take one part giant Japanese robots, two scoops of awesome weapons ranging from baseball bats to burrowing missiles, and more than 100 levels of intense action and clever puzzles, and you've got the perfect Nintendo DS game. Too bad no one played it.
CEO Most Likely to Steal Gold Fillings from a Corpse—Activision CEO Bobby Kotick
If Kotick has his way, all Activision games will see mandatory yearly sequels, the now-free user-created Guitar Hero: World Tour songs will cost $2 a piece, and gamers will have to shell out an extra $10 just to see the last 20 minutes of a $60 game. "Dick" isn't a strong enough word.
Best Chainsaw Gun-as-Penis Metaphor—The Lancer (Gears of War 2)
If guns are an extension of the penis, what part of the body is represented by a machine gun with a chainsaw attached to the front of it? The colon? The lower jaw? An intensely frightening vagina?
Game of the Year—LittleBigPlanet
True, LittleBigPlanet could have won this award purely on the virtue of its sublime soundtrack and Super Mario Bros.-style platforming. But by offering gamers a simple system through which they could create their own worlds, LBP vaulted over everything else released this year. Plus, your non-gamer girlfriend will adore the intense cuteness. EARNEST "NEX" CAVALLI