How to Improve Your Dragons 

Daenerys' Dragons Are Lame. Let's Fix That.

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FOR AS MUCH as she whines about the goddamned things, Daenerys' dragons are kinda lame. They're like scaly, semi-feral cats you point at people you'd like to set on fire. Winged flamethrowers with tails shouldn't be lame, but that's George R.R. Martin for you: Take fantasy. Make it drab and sad. Use it to kill things you like. Lather (in blood), rinse (in blood), and repeat.

But what if we changed the game? What if, from the wide array of pre-existing fantastical flying creatures, we selected a new trio of fire-breathing kitties for the Mother of Dragons?

What if we had the first annual Game of Thrones Dragon Draft?


First-Round Pick: Falkor the Luck Dragon, The NeverEnding Story

Daenerys has trust issues, and she should, because she is surrounded by shady assholes. Falkor wouldn't sell anyone into slavery, and Falkor wouldn't whine like a baby about how unfairly he's been "friend-zoned" for that bland douchebucket Daario. Just hook him up with some ear skritchies and boom: reliable, speedy transport from a true-blue friend, who can also manufacture pure luck out of thin air, which would be extremely helpful.


Second-Round Pick: Lockheed the Flock Warrior, X-Men

Lockheed gives Daenerys the fashionable pocket dragon she needs to stay properly accessorized as Protector of the Realm, but he's no glorified bracelet. Lockheed is a skilled warrior from an advanced alien race intelligent enough to have discovered interstellar vehicular travel! Most people in Game of Thrones consider hay a promising technological advancement. Lockheed is also resistant to telepathic probes, meaning even if someone tried to warg in, they'd find themselves fried in the effort.


Third-Round Pick: Red Death the Dragon Queen, How to Train Your Dragon

The late round surprise pick! Others might have taken that Middle-earth chump Smaug, that jank-assed pile of scales from Dragonslayer, or the Sean Connery dragon from Dragonheart. ("How could you go wrong?" they ask, stupidly. "He's James Bond, but a dragon!") But there's a dragon on the board so badass she eats other dragons like she was sucking back a SweeTart. At 20 times the size of a T. rex, with unlimited firepower at her disposal, Red Queen has more muscle than Chris Evans' chest.

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