Alex DeSpain

A DRUNK WATERMELON is the perfect party guest. Everyone wants to hug it and squeeze it and put it in their mouths. This is because Ms. Boozy Watermelon gives the gift of sweet, sweet oblivion, at a right-rapid clip. In other words, she'll get you shit-can hammered. She's also real good at hiding her liquor—you know, for when you want to sneak booze into an outdoor concert or get your vodka past the river cops when you float down the Clackamas River (don't drown, boozehound).

So how to spike a watermelon? Turns out it's pretty easy. Let's get cracking.


Watermelon (preferably with seeds)
Booze (white rum, Everclear, or vodka are commonly used)
Poking implement (BBQ fork, straw, chopstick, something)
Funnel, optional

I made the mistake of buying a seedless watermelon, when one with seeds probably would've soaked up more booze through its seed and air pockets. Don't make my same mistake; if people bitch about dealing with seeds, then go into your whole "in my day, we didn't have GMO foods" diatribe.

Cut a smallish circular hole in the top of the melon. Square and angular holes tend to make the rind split later on, so make sure you're rounding that hole. Use a corkscrew, if needed, to pull the plug out.

Cut the fruit off the rind plug. Keep the plug for later; that plug is going to make your watermelon look like a clean and sober watermelon. Use a long-handled spoon to scoop out some of the fruit to make room for the booze. Three scoops should do. You can test out your liquor on these innards to see if it pairs well... or to make sure the booze hasn't turned, or whatever.

Take a long, poke-y implement (BBQ fork, chopstick, straw, blunt end of a spoon) and poke 5-10 holes into the watermelon's interior. Poke at different angles, but make sure not to pierce the rind. Basically, you're creating channels so the booze can soak in everywhere.

Now let's pour that melon a drink. You can use a funnel or carefully turn the bottle upside down into the hole you cut, as long as the bottle fits securely. I just poured my booze in. I used two different kinds of liquor in two separate melons: peach-flavored vodka and coconut-flavored rum. Both were delicious—the rum more so. Pour until your melon won't hold any more liquid.

Wrap saran wrap around the rind plug, so it will firmly seal the hole, and store your melon in the fridge for four or so hours. Check back in and refill the melon with more booze.

My melons weren't very thirsty, but I blame that on my foolish seedless purchase. Most folks say that you can put a ridiculous amount of liquor into a spiked watermelon, but mine capped out pretty fast. I let both melons sit for 24 hours.

For non-secretive boozemelons: Pour out any extra liquid into a cup. Cut the melon into slices or into squares. If cubed, pour the runoff liquid over the cubes. Serve!

For super-secret boozemelons: Trim excessive saran wrap away from the plug, and ensure it's firmly in place. Peel grocer's sticker off the melon and place it over the plug to hide the cut rind. Try to dissuade the river cops from shaking your melon. If your subterfuge is successful, you can shake your melon to more evenly distribute the liquor. Enjoy the fruits of your labors in the wild.

Time to get out-of-your-gourd drunk!

More How to Do Summer Articles:

How to Do Summer

How to Throw a Global Backyard Party

How to Spike a Watermelon

How to Roast a Whole Damn Pig

How to Have Super-Cold Beer, Super Fast

How to Cook a Rib

How to Take an Ice Cream Road Trip

How to Day-Drink

How to Pair Drinks with Any Summer Activity

How to Find Your Fave Summer Patio