Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the people who cheerfully declare that they have an "outdoor cat," I'd like to introduce myself, cheerfully declare that I'm an "outdoor neighbor," and park a giant turd on your doorstep. You see your outdoor cat uses my yard as its personal toilet. My dog roots out the crap like a pig hunting truffles, eats it, and gets sick. Now, you could say I have a disgusting, dumbass dog, but you'd be missing the point. The point is, I take my pet out for a walk, on a leash, and when she poops somewhere, I pick it up and throw it away. What makes you think you get a pass for your fucking cat? And before you say, "Cats bury their shit," save it. I've never seen a cat work a shovel, and to kick a dusting of topsoil over their excrement does not constitute proper burial. If you are a cat lover, consider this: Indoor cats have an average life expectancy of 18 years. Outdoor cats? Six. If you're too lazy to maintain a litter box, and don't want to deal with the stench they fill your home with, I don't blame you, but get a fucking goldfish.—Anonymous