Illustration by Kalah Allen

Holy shit, I cannot believe you haven't realized that I swapped your dog yet! You were at work a couple months ago and I lost him. I left the door to the house open and he must have walked right out, which is surprising considering his absolute terror of the outside world. I feared your reaction and possible retribution (you being my girlfriend and all) so THAT DAY I went out and bought his doppelganger. It's insane that I was able to find another black "puggle" in under two hours. What is even more insane is the price I paid for it—let's just say that I was barely able to make rent that month. I love you and all, but when you came home and noticed his scarred ear had "healed" I almost lost it. He was missing the whole tip of his ear! That shit doesn't grow back! Luckily all puggles are so stupidly content that he fit right in, except for that weird barfing problem he had the first few weeks. The worst part of all this? Walking to the store today I noticed a woman walking a tiny black puggle and I swear it was missing the tip of its ear. Your "little baby" appears to have been rescued, living just blocks away.—Anonymous