Illustration by Kalah Allen

I have written three recent I, Anonymous columns, submitted from different email addresses. The most recent was built upon a small fragment of truth, but the other two were complete bullshit (as many online readers have suspected). I originally started my crusade as a way to impress hot indie chicks, but it has since turned into an illustration of your readers' lack of creativity/interesting stories. It's sad when a made-up story about a lost dog makes it into your fine paper, but at least my lies were more interesting than the feeble bitching and moaning that seems to be dominating the column as of late. I, Anonymous should be an exhibition of Portland's wildest secrets, not an opportunity to land some zingers that you came up with long after some lame confrontation. It's up to the readers to get creative before the column becomes obsolete... or just fucking lame.—Anonymous