Illustration by Kalah Allen

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: PLEASE STOP USING SALUTATIONS AND SIGNATURES IN EMAILS. Did you use your real name when you signed up for your email account? Good. That means I can ALREADY SEE WHO IT IS FROM. Do you think it is likely that I forgot what MY name is? No? That means I DON'T NEED TO SEE IT at the beginning of every fucking email you send me. Think it makes our correspondence look "more professional"? I think you look "more professional" with your keyboard stuffed up your ass and your face smeared with snail poop as you drool all over your pleated fucking vest, you monocle-wearing, butter-churn-operating, land-line-using, horse-drawn carriage of a pompous, dimpled buttock.—Anonymous