Illustration by Kalah Allen

To the toothless geezer loitering in Chinatown after the Pride Parade: Sorry my friends and I ignored you and your meth-addicted lady friend when you asked us why straight people don't get a parade. If I hadn't been worried about getting my friend in drag safely back to her car, I would have been glad to help you find your parade. Next time you're feeling like there's just not enough straight pride events out there, you might check out the Rose Festival Parade, the St. Patrick's Day Parade, the Starlight Parade, the Macy's Holiday Parade, the Grand Floral Parade, the Beaverton Celebration Parade, the St. Johns Parade, the Junior Rose Parade, the Juneteenth Parade, the Veterans' Day Parade, and the Sandy Mountain Festival Parade. I know it must be oppressive to experience a two-hour interruption of the nonstop hetero festival that goes on during the other 364 days of the year, so I hope you'll accept my apology on behalf of the entire gay community for inconveniencing you with our existence.—Anonymous