Kalah Allen

Really? You have to get a handjob on a public bench, at noon, so close to the busy sidewalk that I have to step around your feet? I've called the police exactly twice in my life, and the second time was calling in your sorry ass. You know, even the fringes of the Pearl District have become too closely watched for these kinds of shenanigans, and you have to know that the apartment building RIGHT THERE, the one with the 40 apartments with a nice view of your bench, your titty fondling, and your jacket jumping up and down in your lap, is full of elderly people itching to pick up the phone and complain about pretty much anything. So now I'm that guy. I feel bad for involving the police, because I know that could lead to a lot of problems for you and your lady friend, but Jesus pal, you've got to be able to find a better place than the busy alley next to Station Place Garage on a Friday afternoon. I'm trying to do business down here, so don't take it personally, but your public handjobbery is fucking disgusting and, more importantly, really stupid.—Anonymous