Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dear Portland Restaurateurs—Have you ever heard of a Jew? How about a Muslim? I'm guessing the answer is "No." Otherwise, you would know WE DON'T EAT PORK! Why is it so goddamned impossible for me to go to a restaurant and order a meal with no bacon on it/in it/around it? And if you do insist on wrapping everything you make in a slab of greasy bacon, could you at least have the common fucking courtesy to put it on the menu?! I can't tell you how many times I've ordered something that I thought was "safe," only to have it delivered to me covered in bacon. Now what? I have to pay for something I can't even eat? And just because I don't eat pork doesn't mean that I don't eat meat, and I shouldn't be forced to order a vegetarian option because every fucking restaurant in this city is on the "Bacon is awesome candy meat" bandwagon. Come on, Portland: You say you're so culturally sophisticated, so have a little respect and religious sensitivity and stop trying to shove pork down everyone's throat. (And FYI, there's more than 1.5 BILLION Jews and Muslims that live on this planet. We like to go out to eat, too.) —Anonymous