Illustration by Kalah Allen

Dude, only a guy would chuck his spent condoms out a bedroom window. I get it. You have abandonment issues. Here's what's up though: Our cat likes to bring them into our home. He appears to be quite proud of his finds, and he seems to ALWAYS include your entire load as well. A few times he's tore them up in the hallway and the kitchen. It's a fucking nasty, gross mess. The worst part is now I feel sorta parental with it all. I mean, should I charge you a rate similar to childcare for the cleanup? (And now the contemplations begin... how would I really feel if you were my douchey little fuck of a son with choded, gauged-out ears and a lady friend with a bunch of horrible poetry tattooed in nice calligraphy all over her nicer parts? Yuck.) Well, I'll never truly know. But if you keep it up, they are gonna start to either get dropped in your mailbox or set upon your car, for starters.—Anonymous