I Love Television™ 

Sieg Heil, Jughead!

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[Hey guys! I'm on vacation this week—but don't worry your pretty little heads. Here's a barely amusing repeat column from the I Love Television™ archives! You're welcome!—Humpy]

Out of my way, bitches! I've got just a few days to make my greatest dream come true, and if anybody tries to stop me? Expect a kick in the baloney hole!

What's the rush? Perhaps you've heard of a little TV movie entitled High School Musical. Wait... you're kidding me, right? YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL?? It's only the most crazily popular teen flick EVER, making around a bazillion dollars in product licensing from DVDs, backpacks, books, videogames, lip gloss, thongs—anything a prepubescent could want! Plus, all the stars were super-duper NOBODIES—waaaaay less famous than me—and now? They're richer than Midas, snortin' mountains of blow, and bangin' French prostitutes.

The movie's plot? Not important. But in a nutshell, it's the same old "boy meets girl" bullpoop with an embarrassing number of songs and dances. However, because this is a Disney production, nobody ever has sex or snags the herpes. BUT FORGET ALL THAT! What we should really be concentrating on right now is my impending fame and wealth... because Hollywood producers are currently casting for the new competitive reality show entitled, High School Musical: Summer Session! And not only am I going to enter, you can bet your sweet and juicy ass I'm gonna WIN!

Though obviously wasting their time, teens from all over the country will probably still audition for this show, which tests their singing/dancing/performing ability—with the winner (me) will receive a buttload of cash, entry into a summer musical training program, and (get this) "become a part of the High School Musical family!" EEEEEEEEEEE! Omigod, I'm going to be so rich, and I'm going to use my wealth to ruin all of your lives! Haaaaa-haaaaa-haaaaaa! Wait... what's that? Voters at home decide who stays and who leaves the show? Oh. FORGET THAT "RUINING YOUR LIVES" PART.

Naturally, there's one slight problem. Apparently this competition is only open to those between the ages of 16 and 22—and I'm a weeeeeeee bit older than that. BUT NO WORRIES, FOLKS. I have a foolproof plan to sneak by these ageist discriminators—which is to dress up like Jughead from the Archie comics! See, everybody else will be trying to look all "cool" and "hep," but when the producers see me, they'll be all like, "Oh! With all these hep kids around, we totally need a Jughead for contrast!" THEN? When the pack gets whittled down to six or seven contestants, I'll whip off my Jughead vest and crown, and say, "Ah-HAH! I'm actually cool and hep!" The other kids will say, "Oh, shit!" and my surge in popularity will carry me to the winner's seat and my newfound fame and riches, which I will then use to torture the rest of humani... mmmmm... forget that last part.

Downloadable applications are available online—but don't apply, unless you enjoy being humiliated by a Gen-Xer in a Jughead outfit. So... WATCH OUT WORLD! Jughead is about to destroy you, crushing your hopes and dreams like a freaking grape, aaaand... shutting up now.

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