As you may have noticed, we had an election last week! And while this particular election may not have turned out exactly as I would've liked, I've decided NOT to hurl myself face first into a rusty electric wood chipper. As my slightly insane and perpetually inebriated Aunt Wanda used to say, "When the world hands you lemons, make half a glass of lemonade—then fill the rest up with vodka. Drink it, take off your bra, swing it around your head, and scream at the world, 'Fawk YOU, world, and fawk your fawking lemons! Check out these tits!'"
I suspect that there may be wisdom buried deep within her advice. That's why, instead of boo-hooing and gnashing my teeth over Republicans and their inbred cousins, the Tea Party, taking over Congress, I've decided to take this opportunity to expand my uncomfortably bulging readership. Now, in the past—as recently as this very paragraph—I have callously insulted the Tea Party. However, that stops today! Today I will embark on wooing Tea Party members to start reading my column—a column that in the past has been written almost solely for the liberal effete. Today I will stop catering to the tastes of knee-jerk panty-waist intellectual Stalinists, and start suggesting shows that appeal to the lowest common denominator—which incidentally has been lowered to the new status of "far below the sub-lowest of the lowest common denominator." HEY! They're Americans, too! And they deserve their own omni-sexual smart-ass buffoon to tell them what to watch on TV. For example:
• Sarah Palin's Alaska (TLC, Sun Nov 14, 9 pm). Are you freaking kidding me? I'd watch the poop out of this whether I was a monosyllabic Tea Bagger or not! Failed governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin takes viewers on an unforgettable journey through the state no one has any real interest in visiting—Alaska! Tea Partiers will enjoy this because they love Sarah's screeching whine, and the possibility of her shooting endangered animals. BLAM! BLAM! Eff YOU, bald eagle!
• World's Strictest Parents (CMT, Fri Nov 12, 10 pm). This reality show takes troubled teens and puts them in homes ruled by complete dickheads. This is great, because actually getting to the root of a teen's psychological problems can take months, or perhaps years. Tea Party members don't have time for that crap, yo! We're too busy figuring out how to spell "soshulism"... "soshallesm"... "soshellism"... CRAP! FORGET IT! Just give me a belt and I'll beat the problems out of those brats!
• Inside NASCAR (Showtime, Wed Nov 17, 10 pm). If there's one thing Tea Partiers love more than misspelling protest signs and making amorous advances toward barnyard animals, it's NASCAR, BAY-BEE! And this show features incisive analysis of the only sport where the "athletes" sit on their asses and go around in circles for the entire competition. (I could make a wheelchair basketball joke here, but I won't. Wait... but that's exactly what a Tea Bagger would do, sooooo...) YOU MEAN LIKE WHEELCHAIR BASKETBALL?? Haw-hawww! Hey, if you can play basketball, you can get a JOB. Stop siphoning off my Social Security, hippies!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11
8:30 NBC 30 ROCK
Jack throws his support behind politician John "Roger from Mad Men" Slattery!
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Erin and Gabe host a Glee viewing party—which can't be making NBC very happy.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 12
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Lois & Clark's Teri Hatcher appears as Lois' dead mom—and probably won't require much makeup. Sorry, I'm a dick.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13
10:00 HBO TRACY MORGAN: BLACK AND BLUE
Tracy Morgan explains the differences between black and white people. This is gonna be good!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
This week hosted by Scarlett Johansson—who really doesn't need to do anything but stand there.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14
9:00 PBS TINA FEY: THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE
Yay! Tina is awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, which is kind of like the Pulitzer Prize for smart asses.
10:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick heads back to Atlanta to rescue the redneck hillbilly he left behind. (Seriously? Do we need a post-apocalyptic Tea Bagger?)
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 15
10:00 CBS HAWAII FIVE-0
The Five-0 gang is hired to protect an evil dictator from assassination. (Can they claim they overslept?)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16
8:00 FOX GLEE
Mr. Schuester is sick, and the kids are taught by a substitute teacher (Gwyneth Paltrow?? Blegh! Patooie! Patooie!).
9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE
Jimmy's attempts to move Hope to a better daycare are thwarted by Burt's verrrry sketchy criminal past.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17
8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET
Season premiere! This fun adventure show returns with Chance and the gang trying to rescue a kidnapped Winston.
10:00 ABC PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S 25 YEARS OF SEXY
Wake up, Grandma! People looks back on 25 years of choosing "The Sexiest Man Alive." Tom Selleck's booshy moostache better be there!