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The Real Reality

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Okay, apparently we need to clear a few things up. What you people don't seem to realize is there's a major difference between "reality" and "reality." Let me break it down: "Reality" is you waking up every morning with what smells like a wet syphilitic dog in your mouth. You eat the exact same breakfast, and then go to your exact same job, before coming back home to your exact same house, where you watch the exact same TV before climbing into your exact same bed and inviting the exact same wet syphilitic dog back into your mouth. On the other hand, "reality" is two screaming skanks ripping out each other's hair on VH1's Rock of Love, a wildly deluded and off-key singer screaming "My Heart Will Go On" at an American Idol audition, or a half-naked muscle-bound tool fighting his way through an army of crabs to bone bisexual twins on MTV's Double Shot at Love. DO YOU SEE THE DIFFERENCE?

Well, apparently many of you don't, because according to the New York Post, certain people are questioning the "reality" of the new MTV show The City (Mondays, 10 pm)—a spin-off of The Hills in which the cherubic and bone-tastic Whitney Port leaves California to take a job in NYC with famed designer Diane von Furstenberg. As it turns out, some of these certain people work in von Furstenberg's office alongside Whitney, and are going so far as to say the "reality" show isn't "real" at all—but fakier than Hoaxy McPhoneystein, the charlatan mayor of Baloneyville.

Sources tell the NYP: "[Whitney] doesn't really work. She is hardly ever in the office. [Plus, they] can't get their work done because MTV tells them they can't move any thing at their workstations. They do so many reshoots that everything has to look exactly the same every day."

Oh, boo-f-bombing-hoo! The poor little cubicle drones aren't able to move their staplers! It really must suck BEING ON NATIONAL TV. See, what these complaining poopy pants fail to realize is they've been given the most precious of all gifts: they no longer have to work in "reality," because now they work in "reality." Look, nobody gives two craps about Diane von Furstenberg or her designs. But now, thanks to Whitney's "reality" show, Diane von Furstenberg is no longer Diane von Furstenberg. She's... DIANE VON FURSTENBERG!

So to the complaining, petty, small-minded employees of the new Diane von Furstenberg, let's go over rule number one: WHITNEY GETS TO DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS. If Whitney decides not to show up to work for three weeks, then walks into your cubicle, eats your sandwich and craps on your dayplanner? THEN THAT'S WHAT WHITNEY GETS TO DO. Because unlike YOU, she's crossed over. She's no longer tied to the stupid, boring rules of "reality." She now solely exists in the glimmering, shimmery world the rest of us only dream about. It's called "REALITY," so remember this: She's Whitney F-bombing Port, she works for Diane F-bombing von Furstenberg, and YOU go to sleep with a wet, syphilitic dog in your mouth.

Get it? Got it? Good. Class dismissed.

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