I RECENTLY DECIDED to add up all the hours I've spent on my couch, scrolling through my on-screen TV guide looking for something good to watch... and you know what? It was less than I expected! According to my calculations, I've spent only 3,457 hours scrolling TV listings... ... ... this year. Now, you may think that's a lot—but actually? It's waaaaay down from 2013, and for two very good reasons: (1) I recently purchased an additional TV so I could scroll two sets of listings simultaneously. SMART. And (2) I've decided to fruitlessly scan TV listings less, and fruitlessly scan Netflix Instant more!
I love Netflix Instant, because when compared to regular TV, it's like visiting another planet... except instead of air, you breathe something that smells like the inside of a pork 'n' beans can. Unlike normal TV, which barrages your senses with endless idiotic Duck Dynasty-style reality shows, on Netflix Instant you don't know WHAT you'll find. It might be House of Cards... or it might be a weird Indian knock-off of Pixar's Brave (the insanely bizarre Kiara the Brave). Maybe you'll discover the terrific animated feature The Iron Giant, or you might find Frozen—no, not THAT Frozen... the 1997 film about a Chinese ritualistic suicide Frozen. (Sorry, kids... I guess you'll just have to "let it go." Heh, heh, hehhhhhh. GET IT?!?)
Regardless! It's now apparent that I've become a prisoner of Netflix Instant—but on the upside? I have the second season of the brilliant Orange Is the New Black to join me behind bars (the entire season debuts Friday, June 6). If you haven't been watching this terrific comedy/drama, the story revolves around married yuppie Piper Chapman (Taylor Schilling), who's sent down the river by her former drug-running lesbian lover. Shockingly (spoiler alert!), Piper doesn't find prison to her liking!
While season one focused on Piper's slow transformation from wallflower to shank-wielding badass, season two will shine a brighter light on her prisonmates... and how they wound up behind bars. Like the first season, the writing crackles like a downed power line, and you'll be hard pressed to find another show that so truthfully depicts the inner lives of women in prison... and maybe even women in general?
BUT! Orange isn't the only new Netflix release to get excited about. If you like crap movies from the '90s, then you'll love the offerings joining me in Netflix prison during the month of June: For example, The Craft (hot teen witches!!!), Rudy (hot teen dyslexic football player!!!), Wayne's World (not-so-hot teen old people!!!), as well as some of your childhood faves, such as The Adventures of Milo and Otis (dogs, cats... interspecies romance!!!), Short Circuit 2 (humans, robots... interspecies romance!!!), and The Man from Snowy River (hot teens, horses... interspecies romance!!!).
There are also legitimately great movies visiting Netflix this month, including Apocalypse Now, A River Runs Through It, and two of Korean director Park Chan-wook's crazy "Vengeance Trilogy" films, Oldboy and Lady Vengeance. So if you find yourself incarcerated on your couch this month, just remember: Things could be worse! (Though it's always good idea to keep a shank handy... just in case.)
This Week on Television
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4
10:00 BRAVO UNTYING THE KNOT
Debut! A divorce mediator helps bickering couples split up their belongings. NO, THANK YOU.
THURSDAY, JUNE 5
6:00 ABC NBA FINALS—GAME 1
Two teams bounce a round thing, and try to throw it through a round thing.
9:00 GSN IT TAKES A CHURCH
Debut! Christians try to help fellow parishioners find a date—but I keep showing up dressed as SAAAATAAAAAN!!
FRIDAY, JUNE 6
All Day NETFLIX ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Season premiere! Season two opens with Piper being taken out of jail... and going into something WORSE.
10:00 NBC CROSSBONES
Blackbeard's plans are foiled by the far-more popular pirate, Hipster Beard.
SATURDAY, JUNE 7
9:00 STARZ POWER
Debut! A nightclub owner is also a drug kingpin in this new drama produced by 50 Cent (!).
SUNDAY, JUNE 8
9:00 FOX COSMOS
Season finale! Season one ends with an entertaining explanation of supernovas and dark matter. Geek out!
10:00 AMC HALT AND CATCH FIRE
With IBM temporarily placated, now Joe's team faces the challenge of figuring out how to build the damn computer.
MONDAY, JUNE 9
9:00 ABC NEWS SPECIAL: HILLARY CLINTON
The presumptive Democratic presidential nominee sits down for a half-friendly chitty-chat with Diane Sawyer.
10:00 FX LOUIE
Louie jumps into the time machine of his mind to revisit the hilarious humiliations of his past.
TUESDAY, JUNE 10
10:00 FX FARGO
The evil Malvo decides to go after a new target, after discovering murdering the mob wasn't satisfying enough.