LOOK. YOU HAVE your opinions? And I have mine. HOWEVER! It must be stated—and you're probably already well aware of the fact—that my opinion carries a weeeeeee bit more weight than yours. DON'T GET MAD! It's not your fault that your views of the world are somewhat less important than the donkey crap that regularly spews from my cakehole. See... here's the thing: I have a nationally renowned television column, while you... ummm, how do I put this... DON'T. But like I said: not your fault. You spent your youth and college years studying "books" and filling your head with... goddamnit, what's the word? Oh yeah... "knowledge." Me, I chose a different path.
You see, I decided at an early age to eschew the responsibilities of adulthood and spend every waking moment sprawled on a filthy couch wearing nothing but soiled underpants, eating countless bags of Fritos, and endlessly clicking the "channel up" button on my remote. While certainly unorthodox, this decision eventually secured me employment in the only industry where such reckless disregard is actually encouraged: TV criticism.
Hence, I have a TV column and you don't. And when one's words are in actual print—as opposed to that silly Twitter account you hold so dear—one's opinions are almost always taken more seriously than those of the average non-column-writing person. IS THIS FAIR? NO, IT IS NOT! In fact, I could say something completely ridiculous—say, for example, "GLOBAL WARMING IS A GIGANTIC LIE CONCOCTED BY THE JEW-RUN TWITTER MAFIA!!"—and, because I have a column, at least a dozen dingalings would believe it. (Note to dingalings: The Jews who run Twitter are not associated with the mafia.)
That being said: I am about to voice an "opinion"—one you may not agree with. However, please realize that even though our viewpoints may vary, I still respect your opinion—even though it is not as important or as worthwhile as my own. Okay? Okay.
Here it is: Breaking Bad is the best show that has ever been on television and is infinitely better than The Wire, and anyone who thinks differently is a stupid fanny-hole who deserves to get leukemia and die.
Now... that's just my opinion—one that's solidly based in fact. While The Wire certainly has its attributes, I'm not interested in listing them because Breaking Bad is so vastly superior, it would be a waste of everyone's time. For the uninitiated, Breaking Bad concerns a high-school chemistry teacher who contracts terminal cancer and begins producing meth to provide for his family. But really it's about the long, multifaceted path one normal, law-abiding guy takes to eventually become a heartless drug lord. The acting is amazing, the story is both creatively and visually arresting, and it's the only show on TV I would honestly call "riveting." (Sorry, The Wire, and sorry, anyone else's opinion.)
Breaking Bad's third season finale hits the tube this Sunday, June 13, on AMC. Dump The Wire from your Netflix queue, get the first two seasons of Breaking Bad, and watch what you've been missing. Again, this is just my opinion—the opinion of a person whose opinion is better than your opinion.
Send your "opinions" to... email@example.com
THURSDAY, JUNE 10
6:00 ABC NBA FINALS
It's game four between the Lakers and the Celtics. (For those who give a flying handshake about basketball. You're welcome!)
10:00 SHOW PENN & TELLER: BULL!
Season premiere! In the season opener, the magicians call BS on... wait. Cheerleaders? Have they not seen the uniforms?
FRIDAY, JUNE 11
8:00 ABC WORLD CUP KICKOFF CONCERT
Celebrating the world series of soccer, this concert includes Alicia Keys, John Legend, and the Black Eyed Peas (who seem to ruin everything, don't they).
11:00 IFC THE WHITEST KIDS U' KNOW
Season premiere! The hilarious sketch comedy group returns with an ass-trunk full of new skits including tonight's offering "My Mouth Stuck Open."
SATURDAY, JUNE 12
9:00 COM LEWIS BLACK: STARK RAVING BLACK
The Daily Show contributor's newest stand-up show in which he screams his freaking head off about god knows what.
SUNDAY, JUNE 13
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
Season premiere! Sookie is going batpoop with worry over missing vampire boyfriend Bill. (Try the blood bank, yo!)
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
Season finale! Jesse goes on the lam, while Walt is forced to make a very icky deal with Gus to ensure their safety.
MONDAY, JUNE 14
10:00 NBC PERSONS UNKNOWN
The captives continue to look for an escape, but are delayed by weird implanted devices and invisible fences—the same things that keep me at this job!
10:30 MTV WARREN THE APE
Debut! From the makers of Greg the Bunny comes this absolutely filthy puppet show about an absolutely filthy ape trying to make it in Hollywood.
TUESDAY, JUNE 15
9:00 BRAVO KATHY GRIFFIN: MY LIFE ON THE D-LIST
Season premiere! Nervous about her upcoming role on Law & Order, Kathy calls Liza Minnelli for advice. Wait... WHAT??
10:00 MTV THE HILLS
Spencer and Heidi continue their hilarious spiral into insanity. YOU... MUST... WATCH!!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 16
8:00 CBS TV'S GREATEST SURPRISES
Jeff Probst hosts this salute to TV "surprises" which better include Janet Jackson's nip at the Super Bowl.
10:00 TVLAND HOT IN CLEVELAND
Debut! A new sitcom starring TV warhorses Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, Wendie Malick... and ladies and gentlemen, BETTY WHITE.