THERE'S CRAP FOR TV this week—unless, like me, you've got a cop fetish. If so, you may want to check out the premiere of Rookie Blue (ABC, Thurs June 24, 9 pm), which involves an impossibly hot group of rookie cops trying to survive their first days. The upside? Unlike the somewhat unattractive cops I've been forced to bone (it's a fetish, not a choice), these pigs are WICKED SMOKIN'. The downside? None of them are naked. That's the problem with this series—unless these buff pieces of bacon are patrolling a nudist colony, an orgy, or the inside of my pants... NOT INTERESTED.
Anyway, on to more important subjects! LIKE ME! AND MY NEW BAND! For those who have been following my all-ukulele R. Kelly cover band (entitled "R. Kelele" of course), you will be devastated to hear that we've broken up. I left the band after discovering my co-ukuleleists were fanny holes who were totally cramping my style. Besides, they refused to play any cop bars, cop parties, or cop conventions. LAME!
That's why I've started a brand-new band called the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. (Note: As of this writing, both Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga have not agreed to be in my band. However, the day is still young.) And, unlike the Beatles, our band will actually be talented and popular—because all we do are covers of awesome Saturday morning cartoon theme songs! In fact, I've already put together a partial setlist for our first "gig" at the upcoming National Law Enforcement Expo!
SONG #1! Theme from Josie and the Pussycats (listen here: bit.ly/2l7TmV). At first, the cops will be saying, "HEY! What's with this Josie and the Pussycats shit? I wanna see the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga. I'm gonna beat somebody with my baton!" Then we'll whip off our cat ears and tails, and say, "Actually, we ARE the Saturday Morning Shenanigan Locomotive Featuring the Vocal Stylings of Wm.™ Steven Humphrey, Justin Bieber, and Lady Gaga!" And those cops will go "Ka-ka-ZOINGG!!" and hop into bed with us.
SONG #2! Theme from Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears (listen here: bit.ly/12EHz). Gummi Bears was Disney's first foray into television animation way back in 1985—and a complete piece of bizarro crap. HOWEVER! The theme song is AH-MAY-ZING! Sample lyric: "Gummi Beeeears! Bouncing here and there and everywheeeeere! High adventure that's beyond compare—they are the Gummi Beeears!" This is just the sort of "rah-rah-America-is-awesome-and-so-are-Gummi-Bears" song that cops go ga-ga over. (LADY Gaga, that is!)
SONG #3! Theme from Jem (listen here: bit.ly/rcZF)! SONG #4! Theme from Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos (listen here: bit.ly/17cC9D)! And for our grand finale, SONG #5, the theme from Police Academy: The Animated Series (listen here: bit.ly/c57rLf), which will not only make the cops go "Ka-ka-ZOINGG!!" and hop into bed with us, they may even drop that restraining order! FINGERS CROSSED!
THURSDAY, JUNE 24
9:00 ABC ROOKIE BLUE
Debut! Five gorgeous rookies, all built like brick shithouses, attempt to... to... umm... where was I?
10:00 ABC BOSTON MED
Debut! An eight-part reality miniseries based around Boston's three best hospitals—again, with barely any sex! BOOOO!!
FRIDAY, JUNE 25
11:00 VH1 FRIDAY NIGHT ALRIGHT
Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform in a live concert from London! Cor blimey, guv'nah! It's Bruuuuuuce!
SATURDAY, JUNE 26
9:00 SYFY DINOCROC VS. SUPERGATOR—Movie
(2010) Guys! Stop fighting! There's enough juicy tourist appendages to go around!
9:00 VH1 ROCK DOCS
A documentary exploring Canada's greatest export (besides Justin Bieber, of course) Rush!
SUNDAY, JUNE 27
10:00 TBS TEAM COCO PRESENTS CONAN'S WRITERS LIVE
In anticipation of Coco's new talk show, check out his writers in a comedy performance recorded at Chicago's Just for Laughs fest.
10:30 HBO ENTOURAGE
Season premiere! The poop hits the fan when pretty-boy Vince is talked into doing his own stunts for an action flick. CAREFUL OF THE FACE!!
MONDAY, JUNE 28
8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE
Ali's plan for the bachelors to wrestle each other for her affections takes an unwelcome homoerotic turn.
9:00 FAM HUGE
Debut! A new comedy-drama about kids at a fat camp. It's kind of like Glee, but without the singing, and bulimia.
TUESDAY, JUNE 29
10:00 FX RESCUE ME
Season premiere! Tommy survives his shooting, but first gets a fairly unpleasant taste of the afterlife.
11:00 FX LOUIE
Debut! Hilarious comedian Louis C.K. plays a version of himself in this sitcom about how his life sucks balls.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 30
8:00 HBO2 KEVORKIAN
Documenting the life (and controversial career) of right-to-die advocate Jack Kevorkian.
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD
Season premiere! A new gang of herpes-infected young adults move into and infect a New Orleans mansion and hot tub.