Guys! I gotta admit this whole "race of supermen" thing creeps me out. First of all, why do we even need a race of supermen? They're just going to eventually enslave us, right? Um, that's why we're building robots and teaching apes sign language—having supermen, too, would just be REDUNDANT! Now, if the idea is to use this race of supermen to combat these megalomaniac robots and apes riding around on horseback throwing nets on top of us—well, I'm open to discussion. But only if the race of supermen doesn't turn right around and enslave us right back!
Frankly, I'm not too sure how we're gonna get around this whole enslavement thing. It sounds like it's gonna happen regardless of what we do. So we should probably create a race of people whom we wouldn't mind being enslaved by, right? For example, super-hot Amazon chicks. (Let's make sure they don't get the "nag" gene.) I also wouldn't mind being enslaved by the Hostess cake company. C'MON! Their Ho Hos and Ding Dongs are delicious! And if push came to shove, I wouldn't kick too hard about being enslaved by Taylor Lautner (the werewolf from Twilight). He seems super nice, and have you seen those abs? JESUS CHRIST! Pull up his shirt and I'll happily clean porta-potties at Diarrheaville's annual Prune Day Festival.
ANYWAY! My point is there's a new show debuting this week on the History Channel entitled Stan Lee's Superhumans (Thurs Aug 5, 10 pm). Now, Stan Lee's the guy who invented Spider-Man, X-Men, and other characters for Marvel comics, right? But the "superhumans" in this show aren't a bunch of nerds from the San Diego Comic-Con running around in tights, stabbing each other in the eye because someone stole their seat at the "Joss Whedon French-Kissing Nathan Fillion" panel. These guys are regular dudes—except with a genetic anomaly that gives them special powers. So, in short, real-life mutants. (EWWWW! I KNOW, RIGHT?)
Anyway, I'm keeping an open mind about this, because the powers these regular joes have are pretty cool. For example, Lee introduces us to a guy whose body is "powerfully magnetic"—just like his character Magneto! And there's another who can "withstand deadly levels of cold"—just like Iceman! And another "whose brain performs complex calculations at staggering speeds." Like... like... Einstein Man!
They'll also be performing experiments to try and determine why these people are such weirdo freaks—and maybe imprison them afterward? I hope so. Because there's no way I'm gonna agree to be enslaved by a guy covered by paper clips. What I really hope is that this show will teach me how to mutate my own genes. Agreed, I'm pretty awesome as is. However, if I'm going to eventually enslave you, you'd probably appreciate a master you could respect, right? That's why I'm going to start by sticking my penis in the microwave and genetically mutating a couple extra inches on it. That way, even if I don't end up ruling the world? At least the Amazon chicks and Taylor Lautner will be psyched to have me around! (Wow. I am so much smarter than Einstein Man!)
THURSDAY, AUGUST 5
9:00 BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF DC
Season premiere! More housewives! This time in Washington, DC! No Michelle Obama! BOOOO!
10:00 A&E THE SQUAD: PRISON POLICE
Debut! An investigative team cracks crimes in the Tennessee prison system. Tonight: "The Case of the Missing Shank That's Later Discovered in the Stomach of Another Inmate."
FRIDAY, AUGUST 6
11:00 VH1 BEYONCÉ: I AM... YOURS
The bootylicious star in an intimate concert at the Wynn in Las Vegas. Stretch out those lip-synch muscles!
SATURDAY, AUGUST 7
9:00 BBCA BEING HUMAN
Michael reluctantly agrees to become leader of the local vampire guild, but runs into resistance with his new "no lipstick/eyeliner" rule.
9:00 SYFY FROST GIANT—Movie
(2010) Dean Cain (Lois & Clark) battles a humongous ice monster in the Arctic. What? No shark?
SUNDAY, AUGUST 8
9:00 HBO TRUE BLOOD
A family emergency leaves Sookie (who will taste great with some steak sauce) unprotected.
10:00 AMC MAD MEN
A war erupts inside the office, which is a perfect time for Don to fly to Acapulco!
MONDAY, AUGUST 9
8:00 ABC BACHELOR PAD
Debut! Former contestants on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette compete for big money and even bigger STDs.
8:00 FOX TEEN CHOICE AWARDS
Katy Perry hosts, with special guests Zac Efron (snore), David Archuleta (snore, snore), and Taylor Lautner (EEEEEEE!!!)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 10
8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Season finale! Gordon Ramsay chooses the winning (which is to say, "the least worst") chef.
11:00 FX LOUIE
Louie has an unexpected, and wildly awkward encounter with his neighbor. Surprise!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 11
9:00 DSC MAN VS. WILD
Season premiere! Bear Grylls returns to continue his epic battle against nature. (Five bucks on nature, BTW.)
10:00 A&E CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK
Criss attempts to walk up the side of the Luxor casino in Las Vegas. Hey, give me a couple drinks, and I'll try, too!