Jeremy Eaton

Open letter to the world: I hate this time of year. Don't get me wrong, I love the sun (from the comfort of an air-conditioned room with the blinds drawn), but this is the WORST time of year when it comes to television. The networks are too busy preparing for the fall season to program ANYTHING decent to watch now. What does this mean for you? It means instead of the informative column you normally get, today we're going to talk about Sasha Grey's bush.

For the men in my audience, Ms. Grey—and the inside of her vagina—needs no introduction. For the edification of the ladies, however, Ms. Grey is one of the most popular porn stars in the world. The gentleman squirming uncomfortably next to you may remember Ms. Grey from her roles in such classics as Butt Sex Bonanza, I Wanna Bang Your Sister, Naughty Book Worms 7, Masturbation Nation 3, and roughly 192 similarly titled entries.

HOWEVER! She's also trying to make it as a mainstream actress and was in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience, as well as a recent story arc in HBO's fairly annoying Hollywood comedy Entourage, where she appeared as Vincent Chase's porny girlfriend... Sasha Grey. OKAY! Here's where we start talking about Sasha Grey's bush. In the Entourage episode entitled "Hair," Sasha was shown butt-naked and sporting... oh, how shall I put this... a sizeable number of pubic follicles. Which made the douchebags on Twitter freak the frak OUT.

"Sasha Grey had an ENORMOUS fucking '70s bush. WTF," tweeted one such douche. "That shit was so uncalled for," tweeted another. "Sasha Grey really should shave her bush," advised a douche struggling for something new to add. "Did anyone else think that was disgusting? IT'S 2010!" tweeted a douche who at least knows what year it is.

Okay, first of all, I had no idea this was A THING. You know, that certain young men expect... nay, DEMAND that a woman's privates resemble the top of Jean-Luc Picard's head. Now, I have, and have had, a lot of sex. And I'm not exaggerating when I say A... LOT... OF... SEX. However! Whenever I'm downstairs "cleaning the pool" as it were, the last thing on my mind is if the genitals in question are shaved, trimmed, bushy, or resemble the Predator. The fact of the matter is, I'M JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE.

So to any of you single ladies out there who may be considering shaving it all off to please some douchebag whose only reference point is hardcore porn, DON'T BOTHER. Based on personal experience, I've learned that when that shaved hair begins to grow back, it feels like an angry nest of termites in your pants. And besides, GENITALS LOOK WEIRD ENOUGH AS IT IS. Hair disguises the fact that nude genitals look like an explosion at the Silly Putty factory.

Regardless, Sasha Grey said it best when she wisely tweeted back to these douches, "A lot of bush comments after tonight's Entourage episode. If you're curious... that's what a grown woman looks like." Actual, nude, grown-up women. Ain't nuthin' like the real thing.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 19

8:30 DHLTH I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT

A woman accused of being a hypochondriac by her family proves they were wrong by dropping a baby in the toilet.

9:00 LIF PROJECT RUNWAY

The contestants design clothes inspired by flamboyant hats. "Flamboyancy" shouldn't be a problem.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 20

7:00 IFC KIDS IN THE HALL

Debut! The Canadian comedy troupe returns with an eight-part murder mystery about Death visiting Shuckton, Ontario.

10:00 TLC LEFT AT THE ALTAR

If you celebrate the misery of others, don't miss this TLC special about brides and grooms being abandoned on their wedding day!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 21

9:00 SYFY LAKE PLACID 3—Movie

(2010) A kid learns that baby alligators don't make great pets—especially when they grow up to murder your family.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 22

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Don and Pete ignore Roger's orders, leading Roger to pout and say some hilarious Roger-like things.

10:30 TOON CHILDRENS HOSPITAL

Brand-new episodes of this very funny parody of E.R. and Grey's Anatomy!

MONDAY, AUGUST 23

10:00 BRAVO REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY

Season finale! It's Danielle vs. Caroline in the ultimate showdown! Fake nails will fly!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 24

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

Tonight the contestants get a face full of weenies. (The food product, not the genital.)

9:00 FOX GLEE

A repeat of this season's premiere where Rachel and Will smooch the competition!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 25

8:00 ANI CONFESSIONS: ANIMAL HOARDING

A young couple's 80 cats cause some concern for their family. YA THINK?!?

10:00 A&E CRISS ANGEL: MINDFREAK

Criss tries to break the record for "vanishing" the most people. Doesn't being a douchebag give him an unfair advantage?