Jeremy Eaton

There is a case to be made for and against polygamy. THE CASE FOR: (1) Sex. Duh. And lots of it. Say you decided to have 24 wives instead of one: Now, I'm no "arithmetician," but if I'm not mistaken, 24 wives = 24 times the sex. Unless your wives are like my ex, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1—then it's more like -17 times the sex.

(2) It's easy to keep multiple wives confused. Example: If you've currently got one wife, it's hard to trick her into thinking you're always doing the dishes—especially when you never do them. However, with 24 wives, you can always say, "Oh, don't you remember? I did the dishes after #14 did them. Not it!"

(3) There are no other good reasons to have a bunch of wives.

THE CASE AGAINST: (1) Nagging. Duh. And lots of it. Say you decided to have 37 wives instead of one: Now, I'm no "mathologist," but if I'm not mistaken, 37 wives = 37 times the nagging. Unless your wives are like my ex, Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1—then it's more like fifty-eight-hundred-kabillion times the nagging.

(2) Ganging up! Shocking as this may sound, sometimes I get super-drunk and come home super-late and try to make a bologna sandwich and end up dropping a lot of pots and pans on the ground and dancing on the furniture while blasting some sweet tuneage like Judas Priest ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!"). Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 didn't like that (neither did #2 or #3, come to think of it). But she couldn't do a whole lot about it, since Judas Priest was drowning out her nagging. ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!") HOWEVER! If you have 37 wives ganging up on you in one huge gang-nag? That can cause some serious buzz damage.

(3) Apparently, polygamy is against the law. ("BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!")

Obviously, you need to know more about this subject, which is why you should be watching Sister Wives on TLC (Sun, 10 pm). This reality show is all about "the polygamy" and features a Utah dude named Kody who has three—going on four!—wives. Like HBO's Big Love, I think the intention is to show how nontraditional relationships are just as valid as the ones I have—which aren't very traditional when you factor in the drugs, electrodes, and sodomy.

For me, the weirdest thing about this show is how "HAPPY!!!" and "NORMAL!!!" these people always claim to be. Not to pooh-pooh matrimony, but my first three marriages were about 20 percent "happy normal" and 80 percent "I wonder if that rafter above my head will support my weight when I hang myself." Multiply that feeling times four, and... well, I rest my case.

But like I said, whether or not they're BREAKIN' THE LAW! BREAKIN' THE LAW!, I think if this guy wants to have four or even 40 wives, it's no skin off my patoot. Love makes you do nutty things—just ask Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1 to #3—but remember: Love don't do the dishes (and neither do I).

Take my wives—please. steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Andy is in a community theater production of Sweeney Todd. Cue office-wide suicide attempts.

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Mac wins big in a radio station contest, and—why do I suspect things are going to go horribly wrong?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Busy in Metropolis, Clark sends Supergirl to Smallville to cover for him. Why Smallville? Because she's a girl, and because he's sexist.
10:00 IFC THE INCREASINGLY POOR

DECISIONS OF TODD MARGARET
The boss (Will Arnett) promises to bust Todd's balls (literally) if he doesn't sell more Thunder Muscle.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Hosted by everyone's favorite aggro-cheerleader coach, Jane Lynch from Glee!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10

10:00 AMC MAD MEN
Trying to save the company, Don enlists the aid of an old friend. (Is this old friend "alcohol"?)

10:30 HBO EASTBOUND AND DOWN
When Kenny's pitching fails to enthrall the Mexican fans, he turns to his old standbys: snorting coke and banging whores.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11

8:00 FOX HOUSE

The doctors try to cure a patient who can't stop vomiting. (I can't wait to watch this! Let's eat yogurt!)

10:00 CBS HAWAII FIVE-0

It's the worst day ever for McGarrett, who's trying to balance rescuing a kidnapped couple with picking up his visiting sister at the airport.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12

8:00 FOX GLEE
An Artie, Tina, and "other Asian guy" love triangle develops!

10:00 COM NICK SWARDSON'S PRETEND TIME
Debut! A new sketch comedy show featuring the guy best known as "roller-skating male prostitute Terry" from Reno 911! YAY!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13

8:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
Chef Gordon Ramsay tries to get through an episode without causing a contestant to kill him or herself. He is unsuccessful.

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY
In this "very special episode," a family member gets something sensitive caught in a treadmill.