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Mad Men Yourself

Guys! Clear your schedule for Sunday, October 17, at 10 pm! (No, that's not when I'm going to murder your spouse for $25,000! GEEZ! I already told you I wasn't going to do it! Stop with the nagging!) Why? Because you're going to drop whatever or whomever it is you're doing to watch the Mad Men season four finale! Yes, there are other things on this week—such as the extremely intriguing season premiere of Discovery's Dirty Jobs entitled "Exotic Nanny" (Tues, 9 pm), and the debut of Animal Planet's Freak Encounters (Tues, 10:30 pm), which probably has something to do with animals, but sounds like what I experience every time I go into a Taco Bell at 3 am. Anyway, don't watch those things! I want your entire focus to be on Mad Men this week! I want you to eat Mad Men! Drink Mad Men! Sleep Mad Men! And... what else? Oh! Defecate Mad Men!

If you're a man, I expect you to spend your week molding your life to match that of Don Draper. First, take off those ridiculous hoodies/tight white pants/Kanye West shutter shades. You look like a goddamn idiot. Go to Men's Wearhouse and pick out a slim Brooks Brothers black suit and a skinny tie. Shave off that stupid hippie beard, cut your idiot hair, and slick it back with some motor oil. Now buy a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your office.

After inhaling a smoke, guzzling three highballs, and falling asleep for half an hour on the company couch, you may receive a visit from someone in HR. SEDUCE HER: preferably with a hilariously arousing line like "Does anybody mind if I take off my pants?" Initially, she may rebuff your advances by mentioning some futuristic words like "sexual harassment." However, this is just code for "I can't make love to you right now. Please pork me on the copier (sorry, mimeograph machine) after work."

Now, let's imagine for a moment you're a lady person. You should spend the entire week molding yourself into Joan Holloway. First, gain 20 pounds: 10 up top, 10 down below. In order to obtain that classic Mad Men hourglass shape, you may need to remove some internal organs. (I'd suggest the totally unnecessary spleen and kidneys.) Purchase an uncomfortably tight dress, some pantyhose, and... whaddaya mean "What are pantyhose?" Who do I look like? Wikipedia Brown? Google that shit.

Where was I? OH YEAH! Buy a carton of Lucky Strikes and a case of gin, and take them straight to your desk—IN THE SECRETARIAL POOL. A "secretarial pool" is where women begin and end their careers, while often experiencing intense neck pain from the glass ceiling pressing down on their heads. Boo. But hey, you get to wear pantyhose! YAY! And be sexually harassed. Boo. And find a husband! YAY! And eventually be cheated on by a drunken, philandering husband (not unlike Don Draper, except uglier) who will sooner or later leave you with his ill-mannered offspring while he goes off cavorting with a younger, prettier member of the aforementioned secretarial pool. Boo.

Did I mention pantyhose?

Pass the pantyhose. steve@portlandmercury.com

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael unwisely contacts all his ex-girlfriends after incorrectly assuming he has herpes.

10:00 BRAVO THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

Debut! Because the "real" housewives of New Jersey, Atlanta, and NYC aren't "real" enough?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Clark attends his high school reunion, and surprisingly, Brainiac is still a huge dickhead bully!

10:00 IFC THE INCREASINGLY POOR DECISIONS OF TODD MARGARET

Todd decides to hire a celebrity to promote Thunder Muscle—and oh, please, please let it be either Cher or Richard Simmons.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16

9:00 VH1C BEHIND THE MUSIC

The life and times (and STDs) of heavy metal gods Poison!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Season finale! A surprising opportunity is presented to Don and Peggy. Uh oh. I wonder if it's a "sex" opportunity?

10:30 HBO EASTBOUND & DOWN

Kenny's manager asks him not to over-do the antics—which is kind of like asking him not to breathe.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 18

9:00 HBO2 BORED TO DEATH

George goes ape-poop when his boss demands an on-site drug test.

10:00 CBS HAWAII FIVE-0

An ambassador's daughter is kidnapped, and... isn't this what happened last week? No matter... BIKINIS!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19

9:00 DSC DIRTY JOBS

Season premiere! This episode is entitled "Exotic Nanny"—but it's about a caretaker for exotic animals! BOOOOO!!!

9:30 ANI FREAK ENCOUNTERS

Debut! A man investigating animal attacks meets a giant mutant bat. YESSSSSSSS.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20

8:30 G4 THAT'S TOUGH

Debut! A look at the "toughest" things in the world, including snipers, fighters—even teeny-tiny rappers.

9:00 ABC MODERN FAMILY

The family tries to go without their electronic devices for a week, because... they want to be dumb cave people?

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