I'D LIKE YOU to stop whatever you're doing right now, and deeply inhale the inside of my pants. Now: what do you smell? Perhaps... nutmeg? Maybe a touch of lavender? The lingering scent of last night's sex sweat mixed with a trace of Axe body spray? Okay, so tell me this: What's missing? CORRECT! Poop. There is not the slightest scent of poop inside my trousers. And NO, this is NOT a good thing!
As of this writing, only a few days remain until Halloween. And yet? No one has even attempted to scare the poop into my pants! When I was growing up, our entire month of October was devoted to frightening people to the point of uncontrollable bowel release. (Ah... I can still smell the caramel apples, burning leaves, and feces in the air.)
Example: When I was a teen, I would often dress up like an axe murderer (filthy dungarees splattered with red paint, one-eyed hood, axe), break into my neighbors' homes at night, and wait for them to come home. When they would flip on a light, I'd leap out of the closet, swing my axe around like a maniac, and scream, "AUGGHHRREEEEEEEE!!!"
Then I would dash out the back door—never EVER telling them it was just me pulling a cruel, festive prank. Upon arriving at home, I'd fling open a window, breathe deeply, and simply enjoy that... ummm... smell.
Anyway, because you dumb kids are too obsessed with your TwitterBooks and FaceSexting, I haven't smelled a good scare-poop in years—in my pants or anywhere else! That's why I'm hoping TV will save the day with the following shows—designed to "BOO!" you into changing your underpants.
• Celebrity Ghost Stories (BIO, Saturday, Oct 30, 9 pm). Washed-up celebs recount their encounters with ghosties, and dramatic scary recreations ensue. This episode features creepy, presumably true tales from Daryl Hannah, Shana Moakler, and Marilyn Manson, who would probably look pretty funny wearing a pantload of dookie.
• Red: Werewolf Hunter (SYFY, Saturday, Oct 30, 9 pm). This is an updated version of "Little Red Riding Hood," except in this case, "Red" kicks the crap out of werewolves (who, incidentally, rarely wear underpants).
• Ghost Hunters Halloween Live (SYFY, Sunday, Oct 31, 7 pm). The Ghost Hunter nerds spend a whopping six hours in the abandoned, extremely spooky, and allegedly haunted Buffalo Central Terminal in New York—and they're doing it live. (I assume scratch 'n' sniff poop cards will be provided?)
• Amityville: The Final Testament (A&E, Sunday, Oct 31, 8 pm). An interview with Ronald DeFeo Jr., who in 1974 murdered six members of his family in Amityville—which allegedly made his house so crazy haunted, it inspired the book The Amityville Horror. (Are you guys sure that wasn't just me goofing around in my axe-murderer outfit?)
• The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday, Oct 31, 10 pm). As mentioned last week, this new zombie apocalypse soap opera is based on the comic books by Robert Kirkman, and is supposedly so frightening, it could even scare the poop out of the undead! (OHHHHH, so that explains the stink!)