I'm through using Craigslist, you guys! However, I'll admit that Craigslist works just fine if you're trying to sell a lawnmower but secretly want to be sodomized and hacked apart by an escaped serial killer. I'm sorry to break the news, but people on Craigslist are just too freaky!
For example: As you've probably heard, I'm in the market for a sidekick. You know, a little buddy who will dress somewhat like me who I can mentor and share action-packed adventures with. Yet when I advertised my intentions on Craigslist, the only responses I received were from nude massage therapists, Viagra peddlers, and a 54-year-old flor- ist named Dave who wondered if his sidekick uniform could be constructed solely out of human skin. (I told him I'd get back to him... though I won't. His hum- an-skin outfit is way too similar to my fruit roll-up suit.)
That's why I've decided to advertise for a sidekick through this column! (True, while I heart Television™ readers tend to be crazy, they're not "holding someone prisoner in the bottom of a well for three months" crazy.) Could YOU be the sidekick for ME? Let's find out.
My perfect sidekick will be a male or female, age 18 to 28. (Sorry for the age discrimination, but if you're too old, you won't be able to keep up—and if you're too young, I may wind up on To Catch a Predator. Besides, we may want to have sex at some point.) You must be willing to be mentored and/or be comfortable with being introduced to others as my "youthful ward." Must be physically able to fight crime and partake in generalized adventuring. Tights are required!
Now, if you need further tips on what constitutes a decent sidekick, you should definitely tune in to Young Justice (debuting Fri Nov 26, 7 pm, Cartoon Network). It's a new animated series featuring the sidekicks of DC Comics' most famous sup- erheroes—who, in this incarnation, are SO famous they can barely get their jobs done! That's why Superman, Batman, and the rest of the Justice League enlist their sidekicks—including Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Superboy, Miss Martian, and others—into becoming a covert operations team whose mission is to get the skinny on what those nasty supervillains are up to.
Naturally, these sidekicks are mostly teenagers who are fed up with being told what to do by their stick-up-the-ass mentors—which makes this show also about making the transition from mopey teens into superpowered adulthood. It's kind of like Mission: Impossible... except with tights, pimples, and the occasional unwanted boner.
And THAT is another great reason why I'm not interested in a younger teenage sidekick. People already look at me "askance" (for reasons that should be obvious), and the last thing I need while on an adventure is some mumbling 15-year-old with a stupid Justin Bieber hairdo complaining how I won't let him use his iPod or Twitter machine and refusing to fight crime or do anything about his random boners!
Though I suppose that would be preferable to being hacked to pieces by Dave the florist.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 25
8:00 NBC TAYLOR SWIFT—SPEAK NOW
Celebrate Thanksgiving with the hillbillies and Taylor Swift... and don't forget to interrupt her!
9:30 ABC BEYONCÉ'S I AM... WORLD TOUR
Of tonight's two Thanksgiving concerts, this is the one that should have a pre-show boner warning.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26
7:00 TOON YOUNG JUSTICE
Debut! Robin, Kid Flash, and Superboy decide to have a "tightest tights" competition.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27
9:00 SYFY TRIASSIC ATTACK—Movie
(2010) The owner of a roadside attraction effs it up for everybody after he accidentally brings three bloodthirsty dinosaurs to life. Way to go, dick!
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
In case you missed it, here's a fun repeat hosted by Breaking Bad's Bryan Cranston with musical guest Kanye "I'mma let you finish" West!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 28
9:00 BET SOUL TRAIN AWARDS
Featuring performances by Bruno Mars, R. Kelly, Erykah Badu, and Cee Lo!
10:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
After a zombie attack, the gang decides to pay a visit to the former Center for Disease Control, now called the Center for Screw You, We're Outta Here!
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 NBC CHUCK
A Thanksgiving leftovers dinner is marred by a visit from Chuck's mom (Terminator's Linda Hamilton)!
8:00 ABC SKATING WITH THE STARS
Vince Neil's attempts to figure skate continue to push the boundaries of head contusions.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
8:00 FOX GLEE
The Gleetards take on the Warblers at sectionals—and hopefully they won't eff it up this time!
10:00 CBS VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW
Featuring Katy Perry and a bunch of half-naked models. Or, you could just watch free internet porn. Your call.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season finale! The remaining models battle it out in the always hilarious and embarrassing Cover Girl commercial shoots!
10:00 CBS GRAMMY NOMINATIONS CONCERT
A live concert featuring B.o.B, the omnipresent Katy Perry, and the "squeeee-worthy" Justin Bieber. SQUEEEE!