Jeremy Eaton

Do not mark your calendar! On Thursday, December 9, at 10 pm on ABC, Barbara Walters will be revealing her choices for the "10 Most Fascinating People of 2010." (Though she's already revealed eight so far.) Naturally, her choices are a sopping condom full of diaper gravy, while mine are infinitely more awesome. Let's compare:

Barbara's choice: Betty White. Sorry, old people, but the internet begging an aging comedian to host Saturday Night Live is not fascinating. (Though it is "fascinating" that she made it through the entire broadcast without rupturing her colostomy bag.)

Humpy's alternate choice: My aunt Wanda! She's 73 years old, drinks a quart of rye every day, chain smokes two packs of Pall Malls, and somehow coerces "young strapping bucks" into the sack for loud, regrettable sex. Stomach churning? Maybe. Fascinating? Absolutely.

Barbara's choice: Sandra Bullock. Let me get this straight: A mustachioed actress gets cheated on by her hillbilly hubby—and this makes her fascinating? (Though I will admit I'm fascinated by her mustache.)

Humpy's alternate choice: Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1, who totally got cheated on (by me) and retaliated by sleeping with every one of my friends, burning my mattress, poisoning my Fresca with antifreeze, lending my credit cards to hoboes, rubbing Bengay into my underpants, and somehow getting me on the TSA terrorist watch list. In her defense... she doesn't have a mustache.

Barbara's choice: Jennifer Lopez. Wow! Now that's more like it! Jennifer Lopez is super-duper fascinating! (This message brought to you by the year 1998.)

Humpy's alternate choice: a can of creamed corn.

Barbara's choice: Kate Middleton. She's Prince William's bride-to-be, right? Mmm... she's British and therefore contractually obligated to be boring. And have bad teeth. Next!

Humpy's choice: a Cadbury egg.

Barbara's choice: Sarah Palin. What the shit?? Seriously? While I'll admit Palin was somewhat "fascinating" in 2008—in the way a suffocating fish squirming beneath a boot is fascinating—she hasn't done JACK-POOP in 2010 except star in a failing reality show and watch her clubfooted daughter gain 20 pounds on Dancing with the Stars.

Humpy's alternate choice: Christine O'Donnell. I mean, C'MON!! The Tea Party blew up this year, totally changing the face of politics, and Christine was their poster gal. And even if you think that's boring, SHE HATES MASTURBATING. AND SHE'S A WITCH.

Barbara's choice: The cast of Jersey Shore. While these douchebags aren't that interesting, I am fascinated by...

Humpy's alternate choice: The cast of Jersey Shore's herpes strain! Seriously, give me a microscope and a biohazard suit, and I could watch those little squirmers all day.

Barbara's choice: Justin Bieber. YES, BARBARA! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES, YES!

Humpy's alternate choice: a monkey in a red jumper and roller skates leaping over the Grand Canyon while shooting fireworks out of its ass. (I really like Justin Bieber!)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 9

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

It's a one-hour Xmas-style Office in which Michael gets jolly over the return of Holly.

10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Dee gives birth, and the guys invite the 27 potential fathers along for the ride.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 10

8:00 ABC SUPERNANNY

Jo helps a couple with a histrionic three-year-old who throws fits (along with his own feces).

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 11

8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN

Sorry, cokehead. This is not a show about your dealer. Sheesh.

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Hosted by the adorable Paul Rudd, with unadorable musical guest Paul McCartney.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 12

10:00 A&E THE HASSELHOFFS

The Hoff is in search of a new manager that won't flip out every time he gets alcohol poisoning.

11:00 BBCA REBEL TRUCE: THE HISTORY OF THE CLASH

Finally! A television documentary about one of the greatest bands of our time (suck it, Beatles)!

MONDAY, DECEMBER 13

9:00 ABC MARIAH CAREY: MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU

Mariah sings holiday classics including, "I'm Dressing up Like a Slut This Christmas."

10:00 CBS HAWAII FIVE-0

Chin Ho gets an unexpected present this year: an explosive device strapped to his chest (and it actually fits!).

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14

8:00 FOX GLEE

Back-to-back Gleepeats featuring the Madonna and Britney/Brittany episodes!

10:00 BBCA GORDON RAMSAY'S ULTIMATE CHRISTMAS

The Hell's Kitchen chef returns home to prepare the turkey and call family members "fucking donkeys."

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15

8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET

Winston is forced to ask his ex-wife for assistance—who's even worse than Mrs. Wm.™ Steven Humphrey #1!

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

Season finale! The final two chefs go head to head to win a job working in a Marriott Hotel kitchen. Whoop-dee-doo!