ATTENTION: There are some serious problems with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. And for those of you who are still reading, I'm going to elucidate on those problems (and how they can be corrected) in three... two... one... GO!
(1) Rudolph is totes creepy. Naturally, I'm talking about the Rankin/Bass creepy wooden puppet version of Rudolph (available on DVD and permanently seared into your brain). All the characters in these Rankin/Bass productions are tiny walking nightmares, whose mouths refuse to move at the proper speed, and jerk around like they have epilepsy.
NEEDED CORRECTION: Rankin/Bass should've used CG... like they did in Avatar! If James Cameron had directed this, Rudolph would've been 100 percent realistic—though probably blue, and having "tail linked to beard" sex with Santa.
(2) Santa's kind of a dick. The moment Santa discovers young Rudolph's glowing nose, he's immediately banned from pulling the sleigh—and any subsequent reindeer games! THAT'S DISCRIMINATION, Y'ALL! Then when the elves try to cheer Santa up by singing a kickass choral version of "We Are Santa's Elves," his only response is, "Needs some work." You know what else needs some work, Santa? Your goddamn attitude! You treat those elves like they're suicidal 11-year-olds working at an Indonesian iPhone factory! SOMEBODY CALL A LAWYER!
NEEDED CORRECTION: Santa should be nicer.
(3) Dentists are not necessarily homosexuals. A lot of them are, for sure. Probably 85 percent. However, directly equating dentistry with homosexuality—as Rudolph clearly does with the character of "Hermey the Misfit Elf"—does a disservice to gay people, by making straight people not want to try gay things. Because nobody likes the dentist, right? Except for me. Sometimes when I'm getting my teeth cleaned, I get a liiiittle biiiitty boner.
NEEDED CORRECTION: I don't know... maybe I can masturbate before going to the dentist?
(4) The Abominable Snow Monster of the North totally has Justin Bieber's haircut. IT'S TRUE! Check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.
NEEDED CORRECTION: If the Abominable Snow Monster insists on stealing someone else's hairdo, maybe he should go with a "high-top fade" like Kid 'n' Play wore in House Party. THAT'S PHRESH!
(5) The Island of Misfit Toys needs their own show. Those characters—including "Charlie-in-the-Box," the "Bird Fish" (a bird who swims like a fish), and that bizarre winged lion "King Moonracer"—are way too disturbing to be in a kids' Christmas special.
NEEDED CORRECTION: These misfits should all star in a brand-new version of Lost. OMIGOD, I'M SO BRILLIANT! Here's the plot: Santa's sleigh crashes on a deserted island, where he's instantly killed, leaving a bunch of stranded effed-up toys to make a brand-new life for themselves! Unfortunately, the toys are constantly under attack from an abominable (smoke) monster and a group of homosexual dentists called, "The Others." AND JUSTIN BIEBER GUEST STARS!!!
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 23
8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
The best version of Dr. Seuss' famous story, followed by the absolutely abysmal version starring Jim Carrey.
9:00 G4 AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
Season finale! The honky version of the greatest obstacle course ever concludes!
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24
8:00 FAM SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN
The second-greatest creepy Rankin/Bass wooden puppet special—that also has some "problems."
8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie
(1946) Jimmy Stewart learns that if he'd never been born, his role would've eventually been played by George Clooney.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25
8:00 ABC TRANSFORMERS—Movie
(2007) An allegory for the birth and life of Christ, as told with giant angry robots.
9:00 BBCA DOCTOR WHO
The doctor must transform a "scrooge" in order to rescue his friends. (Note: Nerds wearing clanking chains aren't scary.)
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 26
7:00 ABC THE SOUND OF MUSIC—Movie
(1965) An Austrian nanny defeats the Nazis with help from a doe—a deer, actually. A female deer.
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS
A repeat of the episode featuring a live-action Sesame Street parody with a bosomy Katy Perry.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 27
6:00 AMC BACK TO THE FUTURE MARATHON
Marty McFly travels to the past, the future, and to the past again in all three flicks from the BTTF franchise.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28
9:00 CBS KENNEDY CENTER HONORS
Paying tribute to performing artists such as Merle Haggard, Oprah Winfrey, and (BOOO!) Paul McCartney.
9:00 FOX RUNNING WILDE
Season finale! Probably your last chance to see this floundering sitcom starring Gob and Felicity.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 29
10:00 MTV I USED TO BE FAT
Debut! A new documentary series about a bunch of gloating skinnies.
10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS
Season premiere! You know what these three-year-olds need? MORE MAKEUP.