Dear Readers: It has been brought to my attention that I occasionally say some really dumb things. And yet? Instead of allowing myself to be depressed by this oft-repeated opinion, I've decided to celebrate my dumbness (in the same way the Tea Party does) by spotlighting the absolute dumbest, most ridiculously stupid—and sometimes willfully dangerous—things I said in this column from the year 2010. (Please note that the following dumb quotations are provided entirely without context, in order to further spotlight what an idiot I am.) Here's to a much brainier 2011!—yer always pal, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me.
Jan 7, 2010: "I have absolutely zero interest in purchasing a child off the internet for sexual purposes. I need one for monetary purposes."
Feb 4, 2010: "Look out, world! I'll be going to the Victoria's Secret store in the mall, and trying on all the ladies' underpants. Then I'm going to scoot around on my ass like a dog! THAT'S A CRIME, BTW!"
Feb 11, 2010: "What's up with 'snow' anyway? You certainly never hear about rain turning into boiling water during the summertime! Am I right, people? AM I RIGHT?"
Feb 25, 2010: Me to Taylor Swift: "Hey Taylor Swift, my wife goes on blackout rampages but only when we have sex. She thinks this adds 'spice' to our coitus, while I think my penis really, really hurts. What should we do?" Taylor Swift to me: "Umm... can someone please ask Kanye to interrupt me?"
March 18, 2010: "I asked my date for a handjob during the final minutes of Schindler's List. (In my defense, I needed to make it an early night.)"
June 10, 2010: "Breaking Bad is the best show that has ever been on television and is infinitely better than The Wire, and anyone who thinks differently is a stupid fanny-hole who deserves to get leukemia and die."
June 17, 2010: "Miley Cyrus' teeth look like they were knocked out with a jackhammer, and then shot back into her mouth using a T-shirt cannon."
July 8, 2010: "Bella (from Twilight) would be, like, the worst vampire in the history of vampires—and yes, I'm including Count Chocula! At least he likes chocolate!"
Aug 19, 2010: "When a woman shaves her genitals it looks like there's been an explosion at the Silly Putty factory."
Oct 21, 2010: "Zombies are overly infatuated with eating brains. BRAINS! BRAINS! BRAINS! Shut up about the brains, already! How about my testicles? Ever thought of those? They're right here! Just dangling between my legs! Ready to pop in your mouth! And you don't even have to break through a skull to get them!"
Nov 11, 2010: "As my slightly insane and perpetually inebriated Aunt Wanda used to say, 'When the world hands you lemons, make half a glass of lemonade—then fill the rest up with vodka. Drink it, take off your bra, swing it around your head, and scream at the world, 'Fawk YOU, world, and fawk your fawking lemons! Check out these tits!'"
Nov 18, 2010: "If God had wanted us to be on skates, he wouldn't be melting the polar ice caps. THINK ABOUT IT!"
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 30
8:00 CW VAMPIRE DIARIES
Katherine finally reveals what actually happened in 1864. (Lincoln got re-elected! Yay!)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31
9:00 HBO BETTE MIDLER: THE SHOWGIRL MUST GO ON
The Divine Miss M proves she can still "wow" an audience—even at age 138.
10:00 ABC DICK CLARK'S NEW YEAR'S ROCKIN' EVE
Featuring Ryan Seacrest with a special appearance by Dick "The Walking Dead" Clark.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 1
NOON OWN THE OPRAH WINFREY NETWORK
Debut! An entire network devoted to Oprah Winfrey debuts today! "YOU get an Oprah Network, and YOU get an Oprah Network!!"
5:00 ESPN THE ROSE BOWL
Two teams of meatheads push a ball up and down a field, while I sleep off my hangover.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 2
9:00 DSC ATTACK OF THE GIANT JELLYFISH
True stories of giant jellyfish and the asses they sting.
9:00 TLC SARAH PALIN'S ALASKA
This week, Sarah strangles a bunny, beats a squirrel to death with a club, and tosses a bag full of kittens into an icy river.
MONDAY, JANUARY 3
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season premiere! A brand new stud attempts to humiliate a gaggle of desperate skanks. All in the name of love, of course!
9:00 LIF THE CRAIGSLIST KILLER—Movie
(2010) And don't forget to check out the sequel, The Twitter Tickler!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4
8:00 CBS LIVE TO DANCE
Debut! Auditions start for this new dancing contest featuring a newly employed Paula Abdul!
9:00 ABC V
Season premiere! Those goddamn lizards return for another stab at enslaving the human race.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5
8:00 FOX HUMAN TARGET
Check out this fun and action-packed show about a slightly sociopathic bodyguard for hire!
9:00 CBS THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS
Obviously since these same "people" elected the Republicans back into office, "they" can't be trusted.