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Let's Go Nowhere

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World travel: I'd prefer to do something else, thankyouverymuch! There are those who say, "Travel broadens the mind as well as the soul," and to those people I say, "APPLE CRAP!!" While I'll admit there are certain upsides to world travel (easier access to illegal pharmaceuticals, totally insane strip bars, more enthusiastic prostitutes), there are far more downsides (diarrhea, indecipherable languages, diarrhea, constantly running into Germans, diarrhea, non-subtitled movies, diarrhea, Communism, diarrhea, sores that won't go away, diarrhea, an absence of Totino's frozen pizzas, diarrhea, being gored by a bull, diarrhea, didgeridoos, diarrhea, didgeridoos).

Every single time I've stepped foot out of the USA, I immediately wished I hadn't. Example: Once I visited Vancouver, BC—that's in Canada. "BC" stands for "Before Christ," which was when most of their hotels were built. Anyway, the moment I stepped out of the car—and I'm not making this up—some sort of bird emptied the entire contents of its colon on my head. I'm not talking about a little poop, here. I'm talking about enough bird shit to fill an empty can of house paint. So yeah... EFF YOU and your EFFING BIRDS, CANADA!!

I also visited Mexico—and quickly learned that the people there like to pretend they can't understand you... even when you put an "o" at the end of all your words. ("¿Dónde está automobilio?" "¿Dónde está frozeno Totino pizzo?" "¿Dónde está fellatio?") If they don't want me to put an "o" at the end of every word, why do they call it Mexic-O?!?

And don't fawking ask me why, but one time I visited Thailand—and OMG: It's like Land of the Lost with crossdressers. Actually, the crossdressers were the best part (along with the girl at the Bangkok strip bar who popped balloons by shooting darts out of her hoo-hoo). As it turns out, I didn't really enjoy the six-foot monitor lizard that chased me through the jungle. Or the absolutely horrifying giant bat with a six-foot wingspan and the head of a fox that mistook my testicles for a mango. (In the bat's defense, I was wearing an orange-colored thong.)

ANYWAY! Call me xenophobic if you must (especially since I don't know what it means), but I'm not the only person who despises world travel. In the upcoming series An Idiot Abroad (debuts Sat Jan 22, 10 pm, Science Channel), noted British ding-a-ling Karl Pilkington—sidekick to comedian Ricky Gervais, who often refers to him as "a loveable but empty-headed chimp-like moron, buffoon, idiot"—hates other cultures with a passion and is therefore sent on his most frightening mission ever: to visit the Seven Wonders of the World. He climbs the Great Wall of China (noting, "I call it the All Right Wall of China"), views the pyramids ("Looks like a game of Jenga that got out of hand"), and rides camels in Jordan ("Me bollocks are squashed"). It's all absolutely hilarious. And even better? You don't have to give up your Totino's to see the world!

(By the way, in response to Pilkington's "squashed bollocks": HEY, PAL, QUIT COMPLAINING! AT LEAST A GIANT FLYING BAT DIDN'T TRY TO EAT THEM!! Hmmf. Xenophobe.)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 20

8:30 NBC PERFECT COUPLES

Debut! A new somewhat absurdist sitcom about three young couples. (Including yummy Olivia Munn. Yum!)

10:00 USA FAIRLY LEGAL

Debut! A nutty former lawyer turns mediator to heartwarmingly help her clients.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 21

10:00 IFC ONION NEWS NETWORK

Debut! The hilarious web shenanigans of The Onion, now in a convenient half-hour TV show.

10:30 IFC PORTLANDIA

Debut! SNL's Fred Armisen and Sleater-Kinney's Carrie Brownstein in a sketch comedy about the filthy hipsters of Portland.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 22

10:00 SCIENCE AN IDIOT ABROAD

Debut! Funny megalomaniac Ricky Gervais forces sidekick Karl Pilkington into an ill-fated visit to China.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 23

8:00 FAM MEAN GIRLS 2—Movie

(2011) A sequel to the original Mean Girls starring Meaghan Martin and Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet.

8:00 HBO BIG LOVE

Now firmly out of the closet, Bill decides to expose other polygamists for fun.

MONDAY, JANUARY 24

8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Fourteen women remain—one of whom has a black eye, and claims she has "no idea" how she got it. UH-HUH.

10:00 LOGO RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE

Season premiere! Another season of the draggiest show in the universe! (In a good way!)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 25

9:00 ALL NETS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

President Obama is gonna set all those stink-ass Republicans straight! (Sniff. I wish.)

10:00 FX LIGHTS OUT

Police discover Lights' MP3 player on a dead girl's body. AWWWWKWARD!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 26

9:00 TLC MY STRANGE ADDICTION

Tonight featuring a man who is in love with a life-sized doll (eww!), and a woman who can't stop picking her scabs (EWWW!!).

10:00 SYFY FACE OFF

Debut! Finally! A reality contest for Hollywood makeup artists! (Okay, fine... I'm faking my enthusiasm.)

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