Reason #11: Miley Cyrus is SO unlikeable that her mere existence is forcing me to write yet another column about how much I dislike her. (The first column, entitled "Ten Reasons to Dislike Miley Cyrus," was written last year, and it actually contained only eight reasons—because I was so infuriated by dislike for her, I ran out of space. But since that was HER fault, I'm starting this column with Reason #11.)
Reason #12: Miley Cyrus is hosting Saturday Night Live this week (Sat March 5, NBC, 11:30 pm), with musical guests the Strokes. Everything about that last sentence—especially the mention of Miley Cyrus—is unlikeable. For comparison, here's a more likeable sentence: Seeping Chest Wound is hosting a Dysentery Vegan Potluck this week, with anal itching guests the Genital Wart Marching Band.
Reason #13: I liked Miley Cyrus better when she was a young dumb hick with a mouthful of busted Chiclets for teeth. Now that she is attempting to portray herself as a sexy adult, she reminds me of my Aunt Wanda after she drank four Long Island Iced Teas and fell asleep topless under the tanning lamp.
Reason #14: Billy Ray Cyrus is her father.
Reason #15: And OMG! What a total douche-thermos he is! He's got greasy hair, wears his shirt open to his navel, and has a totally gross soul patch on his chin (which looks like Tila Tequila's nethers after a tragic vadge waxing accident).
Reason #16: Even worse, Billy Ray Cyrus—who is famous for exactly two things: singing the extremely unlikeable song "Achy Breaky Heart" and making a sperm contribution that resulted in his bucktoothed unlikeable daughter—is now blaming Disney and "Los Angeles" (via a GQ interview) for turning Miley into an unrepentant salvia bong huffer! WAIT. Let me back up...
Reason #17: Miley Cyrus is an unrepentant salvia bong huffer. Recently, she was videotaped at a party lung-wrestling a bong packed with the hallucinatory (but legal) substance salvia, and her hillbilly douchetard dad hit the roof! Hey, I'd be furious, too! What kind of idiot smokes salvia when tons of high-quality ganoobie doobie just arrived from the jungles of Colombia? (Note: While I hate pot and potheads... I hate fake pot and fake potheads more.)
Reason #18: Where was I? OH YEAH! So Billy Ray Cyrus watched the YouTube of his fake pothead daughter smoking her fake hillbilly pot, and he was all like: "GAW-AW-AW-LEEE! Mah daughter done been rooned by Satan! Durrrrr!!!" And: "Duhhhhh!! Ah shore do wish she ain't never done no Hanner Montaner telebishion show!" THAT MAKES TWO OF US, YOU BLITHERING HAYSEED.
Reason #19: Crap. I thought I had 20 reasons... Wait! Now I remember! GUYS. Miley Cyrus almost "rooned" the Justin Bieber movie! (Yes, I saw the Justin Bieber movie... is there a problem, probation officer?) For reasons that almost make me hate Beebs, he did a duet with this dentally damaged ding-a-ling, which almost made me vomit my Goobers into my popcorn! UGH!! It was like an angel falling face-first into a pile of rusty heroin needles!
Reason #20: Miley Cyrus has more money than me. WHICH SHE USES TO BUY FAKE POT!!!
THURSDAY, MARCH 3
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
The final 10 are chosen! (Again, don't wake me up until the final six.)
10:00 ANI PIG BOMB
About the wild pig population explosion in the US, and not how to make a bomb out of a pig. Truth in advertising, please!!
FRIDAY, MARCH 4
8:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD MARATHON
Seven episodes of goddamn brain-eatin' zombies (and the people who decapitate them).
10:00 IFC ONION NEWS NETWORK
A special report on who may have kidnapped the president and replaced him with a teabagger.
SATURDAY, MARCH 5
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Featuring the unlikeable Miley Cyrus, and equally unlikeable musical guests the Strokes.
SUNDAY, MARCH 6
9:00 NBC CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
Season premiere! Donald Trump schools celebrity guests Gary Busey, Meat Loaf, and... Lil Jon? YESSS!
10:00 ANI TAKING ON TYSON
Debut! Competitors take on heavyweight champion Mike Tyson... in professional pigeon racing? YESSS!
MONDAY, MARCH 7
8:00 ABC THE BACHELOR: THE WOMEN TELL ALL
The rejected bachelorettes return to slag Brad and hear the tragic results of their STD tests.
8:00 FOX HOUSE
Cuddy gets upsetting news which results in musical dream sequences. (Oh, Glee—what hath thou wrought?)
TUESDAY, MARCH 8
8:00 FOX GLEE
Gwyneth Paltrow returns to teach the (shudder) sex education class! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!
9:00 FOX RAISING HOPE
Jimmy's cousin blows into town with his new wife and... umm... three new "brother-husbands."
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9
10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD
Season premiere! Season 25 begins with the roomies moving into their Las Vegas pad (which should be covered in plastic, if you ask me).
10:00 TLC HOARDING: BURIED ALIVE
A hoarder is forced to choose between his daughter and his hoard. (Why not start hoarding daughters?)