Let me tell you a little about the insides of my stomach. Recently I took a trip to the Southern United States—for the record, "Florida" is not in the South any more than "Cuba" is in the South—and I'm pretty sure they tried to poison me. WITH DELICIOUSNESS. "Poisoning via deliciousness" is an especially cruel and sneaky way of killing someone. Apparently word got around that I make fun of hillbillies... a lot... and while these Southern people acted very nice to my face, their sole intent was obviously to shovel delicious poison down my gullet until I collapsed under the weight of my own duodenum—with a small stream of gravy trickling from my anus.
Anyway! Luckily for you, those goddamn hillbillies didn't kill me with their never-ending plates of barbeque ribs, banana pudding, red beans and rice, fried chicken, hush puppies, baked beans, potato salad, mac 'n' cheese, cornbread, fried pickles, mashed potatoes, and the accompanying boats of "trickling" gravy. But it was close. On the day I left the South, my blood pressure reading was 199 over 110—which most medical practitioners recognize as "legally dead." What those hillbillies didn't know is that I always carry a portable enema kit/water cannon for just such an occasion. Two blasts later and BOOYAH! There's not a speck of fried chicken or pecan pie left in my colon, and I'm back to making off-color remarks about hillbillies, their kissin' cousins, and various barnyard lovers.
Hmm... now I'm sure I originally had a point to make... OH, YEAH! So the holiday-eating season has officially begun, and it's not just the hillbillies who are trying to kill you. Your parents and relatives also want you to die—or at the very least become morbidly obese and develop adult-onset diabetes. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
May I suggest a healthful and weekly colonic of television? Whenever an evil, murderous friend or relative offers you a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream, simply hold up your hand and squeal, "Get thee behind me, Satan! I'm watching Kourtney & Kim Take New York!" Or... you know... something good. Like the following:
• A Very Gaga Thanksgiving (ABC, Thurs Nov 24, 9:30 pm). This sounds AH-MAY-ZING!! Lady Gaga teams up with veteran news anchor Katie Couric (!!) to perform a small concert for her friends and family (??), as well as a duet with Tony Bennett(!?). I hope they also feature Uncle Gaga in the background rolling his eyes and watching football.
• Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (CBS, Tues Nov 29, 10 pm). America's favorite mostly nude models prance around on stage dressed as mostly nude butterflies, birds, and angels—a constant, depressing reminder of the sex you will never have. Who can eat?!?
• Paula's Home Cooking (Food, Thurs Nov 24, noon). Southern cook and butter-fiend Paula Deen devotes an entire disgusting episode to making fatty and deliciously deadly treats with Thanksgiving leftovers such as "Turkey Stroganoff," "Green Bean Casserole," and "Gravy Anal Leakage Soup." AUGHH! Pass the water cannon!!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24
8:30 FOX HAPPINESS IS A WARM BLANKET, CHARLIE BROWN
Debut! A brand-new Peanuts special in which the gang try to get Linus to dump his ratty, syphilis-infected blanket.
9:30 ABC A VERY GAGA THANKSGIVING
OH! And besides singing, Lady Gaga will prepare her famous deep-fried turkey and waffles. (Water cannon! STAT!)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25
8:00 FOX IRON MAN—Movie
(2008) Enjoy a nice post-holiday colonic and one of the best Marvel-to-movie adaptations ever!
8:00 CBS HOOPS & YOYO RUIN CHRISTMAS
Debut! A new animated special about two stowaways on Santa's sleigh that ruin Xmas! (Thank god for Hanukkah.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26
8:00 NBC MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Repeat! For those of you too drunk or hungover to watch it the first time? Here ya go.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27
9:00 BET 2011 SOUL TRAIN AWARDS
The annual tip o' the hat to R&B and soul, featuring performances from Earth, Wind & Fire, and Gladys Knight!
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
The gang is shocked by a new and surprising threat. (What? Vampires, too?)
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28
8:00 NBC THE SING-OFF
Season finale! The final three compete to see who is the sing-iest singer in all of Singland!
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
A mutant reindeer is shunned by his community and Santa... and for good reason! FREEEEEAK!!!
10:00 CBS VICTORIA'S SECRET FASHION SHOW
Co-starring Kanye West, Nicki Minaj, and a glimpse of vagina.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
9:30 FOX I HATE MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER
Debut! Jaime Pressly stars as a mom raising a spoiled brat teen. Great! Just what TV needs.
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
A famous murder victim visits the house! Ooh! Get an autograph!!