Dear television in my living room: First, I'd like to apologize for the stains on your screen—both you and I know how they got there, so I don't see any reason to discuss it further, other than to say, "I'm sorry." Secondly, I'd like to thank you for the best gift any wise-assed TV critic could hope for, American Horror Story, which you've thankfully been providing me for the past few months. Even though it was created by the same person who dreamed up and eventually ruined Glee (that would be Ryan Murphy), AHS is hands down the best new show of the season. Not only does this campy psychosexual creepfest feature terrific acting from all involved (especially freaky next-door neighbor Jessica Lange) and at least one "OMIGOD, I've never seen that before on television" moment during every episode, it also regularly showcases Dylan McDermott's naked bottom AND is the only series I can think of that costars a rubber-suited gimp demon. (Not counting Two and a Half Men, of course.)
So, again? Thank you, television, and I'm really looking forward to this coming Wednesday, December 21, at 10 pm on FX when I get to unwrap the slam-bang season one finale of AHS, creepily titled "Afterbirth." As regular viewers already know, Vivien (Connie Britton) is pregnant with twins, which would be great, except for three things: (1) The twins have two fathers—Daddy Ben (McDermott) and the aforementioned rubber-suited gimp demon. (2) One of the twins is normal and the other one just maaaaaay be the Antichrist. And (3) uggggh, TWINS?? That's, like, twice the poopy diapers, am I right?
Anyway, considering the title of this episode, is it reasonable to expect a joyous birth, immediately followed by maybe a horned, cloven-hoofed devil baby tearing up their just-painted nursery and spitting up copious amounts of split-pea soup? ONE CAN ONLY HOPE!
Ahhh, it's true: That rubber-suited gimp demon has made Humpy's ho-ho-holiday season a jolly one indeed—which is why I think everyone would be jollier if he was in other shows as well! Say, for example, some of those well-worn Christmas specials, such as...
A Charlie Brown Christmas: Concerned about the "materialism" of Christmas, Charlie Brown's faith is renewed when the gang performs a Nativity play starring a rubber-suited gimp demon as the baby Jesus. Shockingly, things don't end well.
It's a Wonderful Life: When a cranky miser ruins the town's savings and loan, the owner climbs onto a bridge to commit suicide. But before he can jump, a rubber-suited gimp demon floats down from heaven and shows the man how important his life really is—and then shoves him off the bridge, where he's impaled on a spike.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Cursed with a blinking red nose, a genetically mutated reindeer is bullied and uninvited to any subsequent games. Thankfully, an elf/dentist named Hermey, a prospector called Yukon Cornelius, and a rubber-suited gimp demon rush to his rescue. Rudolph eventually returns to Santa's workshop to find everyone grotesquely slaughtered and hanging from the rafters by their own entrails. Oh, Hermey! How could you? (Wink!)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 15
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
Charlie's faith in Xmas is renewed thanks to Linus and the Baby Gimp.
10:00 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Season finale! At their high school reunion, the gang tries to rehab their image. (Pro tip: Try snorting less coke.)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16
9:00 NBC GRIMM
Nick asks Monroe the werewolf to go undercover as a "feral creature." Maybe give him more of a challenge next time?
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 17
8:00 CBS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN
Frosty loves being alive—until he meets the rubber-suited gimp carrying a hot curling iron.
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Jimmy Fallon returns to host, and Michael Bublé returns so I can make fun of his name. Bublé!
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 18
8:00 PBS MASTERPIECE CLASSIC
My snooty (but smart!) pals highly recommend this turn-of-the-century four-part soap opera, Downton Abbey.
9:00 TLC GEEK LOVE
Geeks "speed date" at comic book conventions to find love. Tonight: Iron Man tries to tap a Wookiee.
MONDAY, DECEMBER 19
8:00 FOX TERRA NOVA
Season finale! A new (malevolent) group moves into Terra Nova, which means "there goes the dinosaur neighborhood!"
8:30 ABC A CHIPMUNK CHRISTMAS
The squeaky-voiced chipmunks try to save a terminally ill boy. BLECH!! That sounds awful! Where's the gimp when you need him??
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 20
9:00 NBC A VERY GILLY CHRISTMAS
It's SNL's Kristen Wiig as fan-fave Gilly in this clip fest of her best skits.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 21
8:00 AMC A CHRISTMAS CAROL—Movie
(1984) George C. Scott plays the miserly Scrooge who is visited by the "Ghost of Rubber-Suited Gimps."
10:00 FX AMERICAN HORROR STORY
Season finale! Phew! Ben and Viv's new twins are perfectly normal—if you don't count the hooves.