Jeremy Eaton

Here are some things I said in 2011. Providing "context" doesn't really help my case.

On Batman:

Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing ever. One step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking's teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair.

On Tom "Smallville" Welling's Nipples:

Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection—a luminous coral hue, areolas 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five-stacked-quarters high—they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??

On My Nipples:

Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to recreate. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? That of a glorious sunrise. At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm—long enough to hang your average hat upon or use in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are 5'4" to receive ocular damage. Why, yes—they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it's unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself—THAT'S how perky my nipples are!

On Murdering Zombies:

There is nothing funnier than an angry donkey kicking a zombie in the face. Simply point the donkey's hindquarters at a zombie. When the zombie shambles into range, use a long stick with a feather attached to tickle the donkey's anus, and... KABOOM! (Bring extra underpants—you may pee yourself laughing!)

On Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!!

Also on Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

On Billy Goats:

Here's the problem with billy goats: They don't discriminate. As it turns out, billy goats don't give two billy craps whether they're eating unwanted credit-card applications, last week's paycheck, a pot of spaghetti you left on the stove all week, or your genitals while you're asleep. In short, billy goats are baaaaaaaah-d. (Sorry. In fact... I'm sorry for everything.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22

8:00 FOX THE X FACTOR

Season finale! The winner of what is clearly the most annoying reality contest of all time is crowned!

8:00 TLC INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS 2

Apparently one TV special about insane Christmas light displays from around the country isn't enough.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23

8:00 CW OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

Drew Barrymore lends her voice to this adorable holiday animated classic! (Needs more creepy wooden puppets.)

8:00 BBCA WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME

Fans of the NPR game show will enjoy this special TV version starring Americans vs. limeys.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24

8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie

(1946) After sniffing "Zuzu's petals," a man suffers weird, passive-aggressive hallucinations.

9:00 BBCA THE NERDIST: YEAR IN REVIEW

The much-beloved geek podcast relives the nerdiest nerd things of 2011 (AKA "The Year of the Nerd")!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25

8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

The classic Dr. Seuss animated version, and not the revolting Jim Carrey movie. (By the way, Merry Xmas everybody! You're cool!)

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26

8:00 SUND THE MORTIFIED SESSIONS

Back to the Future's Lea Thompson and The Breakfast Club's Anthony Michael Hall tell their most mortifying stories!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27

8:00 WE TEXAS MULTI MAMAS

Debut! Because the world does not have enough shows about hillbillies and women with too many children.

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Fearing he'll run into his ex-girlfriend, Nick asks Jess to be his date at a wedding. (OH, JUST SCREW ALREADY!!)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28

8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

In this hilarious repeat, Jimmy learns he was once a musical prodigy—until suddenly he wasn't.

9:00 TLC EXTREME CHEAPSKATES

Documenting extreme measures some people take to save money. (Five bucks says someone reuses toilet paper!)