Jeremy Eaton

Before I get started, a quick message to the pope: You, sir, are a JERK. I've been reading in the newspapers about how you're currently feuding with American nuns—something about how they've become "radical feminists," refusing to parrot the party line when it comes to human sexuality, and how they need to be "reined in." Umm... what? NOBODY REINS IN OUR NUNS, MY FRIEND.

Look, pal. Maybe the nuns in the Vatican buy into all your "infallible" donkey plop—but here in AMERICA, our nuns follow the Catholic doctrine AND think for themselves... capisce? Reminder: You are a creaky old homophobe who sits atop a golden throne, turning a blind eye to pedophile priests and creeping everyone out because you look like Emperor Palpatine from Star Wars. What you are NOT is somebody who can tell AMERICAN nuns what to do!

So why don't you shut your holy piehole, mind your own goddamn beeswax, and leave our nuns alone—unless you want to see what damage a real American can do with that pointy hat of yours! U-S-A! (Nuns.) U-S-A! (Nuns.)

Sincerely yours,

Wm.™ Steven Humphrey

Anyway, speaking of "girls," there are two very different yet notable "girl" shows this week. First, there's Girls—the thoroughly enjoyable Lena Dunham comedy on HBO that's having its first season finale (Sun June 17, 10 pm). Then there's the debut of Bristol Palin: Life's a Tripp (Lifetime, Tues June 19, 10 pm). YOU SHOULD WATCH BOTH OF THESE. And here's why:

While it may have gotten off to a shaky start, HBO's Girls is probably the best sitcom on TV right now. There's never been anything like it, and despite what its detractors say (shut UP, detractors!) Dunham has created a revolutionary show that crackles with honesty and perfectly captures what the "mid-20s crisis" is all about. And while it's certainly not all perfect (Booo, Team Jessa! Yayyy, Team Shoshanna!), Dunham's Hannah is the best-written character on TV—and I will punch any person's face off (especially the pope) who says different! So watch it now, or be a jerk (like the pope) forever!

And then there's Bristol Palin, the "abstinence" cheerleader and daughter of Sarah Palin. Bristol's new reality show will document her move from her hometown, Wasilla, Alaska, to her new home, Los Angeles, where she'll "single-handedly" raise her toddler son, Tripp, while trying to figure out whose life she's going to ruin next. Oh... my... god... this is going to be TERRIBLE! And I'm gonna love it!! This show makes Keeping Up with the Kardashians look like Downton Abbey on pure loathsomeness alone!

In fact? I think the pope should also watch both of these shows. It might do him some good to see two wildly divergent views of womanhood—one, perhaps a bit smutty and ugly, but real, while the other is a fake, hollow shell of a show that's really about a girl imprisoned by her overbearing family, poor past choices, and immoral "morality."

Or better yet, how about a reality show about the pope? He could call it Pope Benedict XVI: I'm a Big Dumb JERK.

THURSDAY, JUNE 14

8:30 NBC PARKS AND RECREATION

In this hilarious repeat, Leslie stages an attention-getting event that gets the wrong kind of attention.

10:45 HBO MAKING THE NEWSROOM

A behind-the-scenes sneaky peek at one of the most anticipated new series of the season, Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom.

FRIDAY, JUNE 15

9:00 ABC HIGHWIRE OVER NIAGARA FALLS—LIVE!

Daredevil Nik Wallenda tries to tightrope walk over Niagara, and... hey! Stop shaking the wire!

10:00 IFC COMEDY BANG! BANG!

Scott and Reggie welcome special guest Amy Poehler (who may or may not be wearing a wig).

SATURDAY, JUNE 16

8:00 LIF BLUE LAGOON: THE AWAKENING—Movie

(2012) Mismatched high schoolers are stranded on an island in this update of the classic corny flick!

9:00 SYFY PIRANHACONDA—Movie

(2012) Q: What happens when you cross a piranha and an anaconda? A: I don't know, but look down because half your ass is missing.

SUNDAY, JUNE 17

9:00 AMC THE KILLING

Season finale! Sarah and Holder's investigation comes to a close. Oh really? Are you sure this time?

10:00 HBO GIRLS

Season finale! Jessa (ugh!) hosts a "mystery party" in which Shoshanna (yay!) meets a new beau.

MONDAY, JUNE 18

9:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR

Finalists compete in the craziest obstacle course competition ever!

TUESDAY, JUNE 19

10:00 LIF BRISTOL PALIN: LIFE'S A TRIPP

Debut! If she's such a big fan of "abstinence," why can't she abstain from doing this show?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20

10:00 BBCA INSIDE MEN

Debut! Three blokes attempt the perfect crime in this new heist series.

10:00 COM FUTURAMA

Season premiere! Bender becomes a daddy after boinking a soda machine.