THE STINKY TWINKY (UGH...)
DEAR MERCURY—I really hope so-called "outraged voters" don't tar and feather Mr. Sam Adams for fibbing about his sex life. C'mon, if you ask a stupid question, expect a lie, fool... it's bad form to ask somebody with whom they get their Twinky stinky. I think he deserves an apology for being asked who he shags... it's absurd as Zoobombing in a garbage truck. This is Portland... the shaggiest town I ever saw. If Sam is ever caught stealing, killing, rampaging protesters, paving over wetlands, or otherwise being a prick... then I'll throw my panties in the wad with yours... 'til then, leave the fella alone, I really want to see what he is going to do.
DEAR MERCURY—Knowing Thomas Lauderdale and Gus Van Sant had organized the rally to show support for Sam Adams, I left work early. When I got to the rally, I was dismayed. Never to miss an opportunity for publicity, Marc Acito and Storm Large were making sure they were the headliners. Those around me asked, "Do they realize this is about Sam?" Acito's display was predictable, self-serving, and only minimally in the context of the event. Ms. Large was equally laughable, bursting into song just to make certain Marc didn't get all the attention... equally cliché, equally unimaginative. I felt sorry for Sam. Here, at a critical point in his career, he needed support. Instead his rally turned into a publicity stunt for Portland's silly-tantes. If this gathering of C-list opportunists such as Acito and Ms. Large are any representation of who Sam surrounds himself with, it is understandable how Mr. Breedlove fits into the picture.
DEAR MERCURY—I am irritated by the editor of Just Out for her quick call for Sam [Adams] to resign. Who needs a publication for sexual minorities that doesn't support its own gay mayor?
IT'S THE TABLOID-IEST!
DEAR MERCURY—As a citizen of Portland concerned with the daunting issues of the day, I am offended that Nigel Jaquiss and the Willamette Week have tried to re-direct our attention to Sam Adams' sex life. What I want to know about Sam Adams is what his plans are to improve the infrastructure of our city, to fill vacant and deteriorating business properties in my Northeast Portland neighborhood, to find more available land for community gardens, and to create programs for kids that offer them an alternative to joining gangs. What I don't want to know about Sam Adams is who he was having sex with in 2005. It's none of my business because it has been determined that he did nothing illegal. It's infuriating that Nigel Jaquiss and the Willamette Week care more about promoting tabloid-style "journalism" than they do about the future of Portland. Sam Adams has an excellent record of public service. He was elected by a huge majority of his constituents. Yes, he may have exercised poor judgment in dealing with the public disclosure of his sex life... as any one of us might have... but I don't base my political decisions on the consensual sex lives of the politicians I'm voting for. Nor should any of us. It's irrelevant. Let's give Sam a chance to lead us by focusing on the tasks at hand rather than wasting his time by forcing him to focus on petty accusations about his sex life.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ROBIN for a reasonable reflection of what many Portlanders were feeling last week. Unfortunately, the saga continues (see Feature, pg. 11, One Day at a Time, pg. 5, News, pg. 6, and don't forget blogtown.portlandmercury.com). In the meantime, Robin gets two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and lunch at No Fish! Go Fish!, where the Mercury readily admits to having committed scandalous acts, and not even hidden in the bathroom.