DEAR MERCURY—I've never been a fan of your poor tabloid weekly, but am especially curious and concerned about this new fetishization of Kanye West ["Let's Take a Ride in Kanye's Cognac Kayak," New Column, March 24]. The new column is disturbing to me. Do you seriously think you're funny? Did you ever stop to realize that Portland could use some race-relations building and not alienation and exploitation? The joke and shame is on you, Mercury.
DEAR MERCURY—So your cover story is on pickup artists ["The Pickup Artist," Feature, March 31], and you choose an image that, in this context, suggests child prostitution [Cover, March 31]? This is just messed up. Honestly, I'm a little embarrassed that I let anything in your paper strike hard enough that I'm writing you an email. Beyond bad taste.
DEAR MERCURY—So Lindsay Lohan is dropping the last name and going the Cher/Beyoncé/Madonna route and shall forthwith be known simply as "Lindsay" [One Day at a Time, March 31]? As per Missy, my awesome girlfriend with a mind of gold and a rack that kills, I shall forthwith refer to LiLo simply as The Trainwreck Formerly Known as Lindsay Lohan.
HEY MERC!—I just want to respond to that stick-up-the-ass I, Anonymous dog hater from this week's issue ["Spiritual Dog Shit Unity," I, Anonymous, March 31]. So: Would you rather that steaming pile of stinky doo be left on your lawn? Portland is a dog-friendly town, my anal friend. I don't even feel bad when I throw the shit in people's garbage cans—or I would drop and run... I'm thinking they're simply grateful that I didn't leave it lie!
DEAR MERCURY—Mr. [Ned] Lannamann's blurb on Band of Outsiders may have been glib, but at least it was inaccurate [Film Shorts, March 31]. He claims the Nouvelle Vague got their name from a sign in this film, which is absurd. Here's a screenwriter's quotation from 1960: "The Nouvelle Vague is dead. And now we know it was more vague than new." That's four years before Band of Outsiders.
DEAR MERCURY—Mr. [Earnest] Cavalli is great and all... I take that back, he's a moron. His review of the Nintendo 3DS was astoundingly terrible; he makes it out to seem like the revolutionary handheld is inferior merely because it doesn't have PS3/Xbox360-level graphics power (it is a HANDHELD!), and because the launch titles are a bit lacking ["3D Is Great and All, But..." Geek Out, March 24]. Very soon that will change. Zelda, Mario, Resident Evil, Metal Gear Solid, and Kid fucking Icarus will all have 3DS exclusive games out soon. But that's not even the worst of his review: He failed to mention two astounding features of the handheld. (1) It can take 3D photographs (and soon 3D video)! (2) "The augmented reality cards," whereby looking at your coffee table or office desk or the floor right now under your fucking feet you will see reality change. Serious mindfucking shit! But Cavalli is right, totally not worth it.
YOU KNOW WHAT, Clint? That sure does sound awesome. Also awesome are two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater and a free lunch (they do so exist) at No Fish! Go Fish! where they will augment your reality of what a "fish" is.