Lewis & Clark 

(?????)

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LEWIS & CLARK—named after the famous explorers—was founded in 18... okay, fine. Look. We didn't visit Lewis & Clark because WE COULDN'T FIND IT. We looked everywhere. When we asked for directions, people would just stare at us blankly, flap their hand in an ambiguous southwesterly direction and say, "It's... over there somewhere. In the woods maybe?" Well, we tramped around the goddamn woods for SEVEN HOURS, and we're telling you... IT'S JUST NOT THERE. And there's further proof Lewis & Clark doesn't exist: Its most famous "alumni" are supposedly Monica Lewinsky and Markie Post from Night Court. WHY DIDN'T WE ALL FIGURE THIS SHAM OUT EARLIER??? As it turns out, Lewis & Clark college is like the Keyser Söze of higher learning—in reverse: The greatest trick it ever performed was convincing you it was real.

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