For 10 loooong years, the Portland Mercury has been surveying the residents of our city to find out how they do "it," where they do "it," and the various holes they're doing "it" to. And what have we discovered after 10 looooong years? Portlanders are dirty, filthy sex fiends (the good kind) and getting dirtier, filthier, and sexier by the year! Wanna know how YOU compare to your loud, moaning, backboard-bangin' neighbors? Then grab a wet-nap and let's tuck into the 10th anniversary edition of the Mercury's Sex Survey results!
(NOTE: You may notice that some of these results don't add up to 100% on the nose—that's because certain respondents either provided multiple answers or didn't respond to certain questions. Probably because they were mstrb8ing.)
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
The average sex survey responder is either male (50%) or female (49%), largely between the ages of 21-30 (60%), straight (72%), and either currently in a relationship (37%), married (17%), or single (32%). By the way, and because I know you're interested: 17% of those swingin' singles are male, and 15% female. THE MORE YOU KNOW, amirite?
Most of you lost your virginity between the ages of 16 and 18, and currently have hot, steamy sexnanigans between one and three times A WEEK. (If anybody needs to borrow any salve, let me know.)
Half of you use drugs or alcohol at least occasionally to crank up your libido—those who aren't imbued with Charlie Sheen's "tiger blood," that is—and half also maintain a healthy and rampant masturbation schedule (jacking and/or jilling between one and five times a week).
Are you satisfied with the amount of sexin' you receive? Ummmmmmm... our survey seems to indicate "not so much." 37% of you are NOT happy with your quantity of coitus, 38% are "almost" happy, and only 23% are ecstatic with the current number of pokings you're giving/receiving.
[NOTE OF SOME IMPORTANCE: It should be noted at this juncture that some of you filled out this survey alongside a significant other, which let's face it, often leads to bald-faced LYING. That's why I'll be occasionally interjecting some "truth" into certain statistics. For example: That 23% of "ecstatic people"? It's probably more like 9%. Unless you're asexual (as 0.24% in this survey claim to be), EVERYBODY WANTS MORE OOH-LA-LA IN THEIR CHA-CHA-CHA. A majority of respondents (47%) also claim they have never cheated on any of their partners. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Right.]
However, our survey also reveals there's roughly a 50-50 chance that your significant other is hiding their sexual fantasies from you. But this is not cause for alarm! Simply say to your partner, "Honey, just so you know, I'm game to help you live out any sexual fantasy—WITHIN REASON. For example, if you're interested in a bisexual playmate... let's explore that option. If you're interested in keeping that playmate captive inside an abandoned well until you can eventually remove and sew his/her skin into a wearable coat? Well... I think we're gonna have to put a pin in that one."
Oh, and GOOD NEWS, SINGLES! Remember how you could usually count on tapping some booty after the third date? According to a slim majority, that number of dates has been reduced from three to "one or in some cases zero." SEE?? Things have improved in the last 10 years! In similarly good news, oral sex is also gaining in popularity, with a whopping 74% of respondents claiming they "love" giving bone and muff hummers. PROGRESS!
HAVE YOU EVER?
Now it's time to play "Have You Ever?" where we throw out a number of topics (usually involving you doing something naked and weird), and you tell us whether or not you've done 'em! COMMENCE SNOOPINESS.
"SEX IN PUBLIC": 70% of you have done that! "A HOMOSEXUAL ENCOUNTER": While 50% haven't, a whopping 47% have. (Kind of makes you 50 percenters wonder what you've been missing, huh?) "SENT NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF TO SOMEONE": A surprising 59% of you have (so why aren't you sending them to me?). "MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER": 75% of you have done that—though again, not with me. I know you feel like you know me... but you really don't. "MASTURBATED IN A CAR": "Been there, done that," scream 59% of you, which explains the sticky seats in my used Toyota Corolla. "MASTURBATED WHILE LISTENING TO YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVING SEX": A shocking 62% have NOT done this... though I'm not sure who to blame: You or your sexless neighbors. Bring it up at your next neighborhood potluck. "SEX WITH A BOSS OR COWORKER": 51% of you responded "yes," and... uh oh... your HR person wants to have a word with you.
Not to dampen the mood, but a suspicious 71% of respondents claim they've never caught an STD—even though a recent scientific study says that half of American men probably have HPV. Which also probably means a goodly portion of their partners have it, too? Maybe you should have yourself checked out before next year's survey. "Yeah, thanks, we'll do that, DEBBIE DOWNER."
THE HOO-HOO, THE PEE-PEE, AND THE POO-POO
We've now reached the most scientific and technical portion of our survey, so before we go any further, let's break down the rather advanced terminology we'll be implementing in the next section:
Hoo-Hoo = Vagina
Pee-Pee = Penis
Poo-Poo = Butthole
Got it? Good. Now in order to discover if there's been an equitable amount of hoo-hoo licking, pee-pee sucking, and poo-poo probing going on, we're going to have to really break down the following statistics, and concentrate on the straights. (Sorry, "the gays," but for the moment you're gonna have to be marginalized again. OH C'MON! You guys murder the straights in licking, sucking and probing, and you know it! So instead of bitching, why don't you just sit there and gloat?)
The question: How many times did you suck a pee-pee in 2010? The good news is that you ladies did a hell of a lot of pee-pee sucking last year—but get this! The married ladies are making you single ladies look like hose-o-phobes! They beat you in pee-pee sucking by almost a two-to-one margin. True, a married woman does have more exposure to a pee-pee than your average single gal—but that's quitter talk! You single ladies have a lot of pee-pee sucking to do in 2011, and I'm sure after this is published, you'll get a ton of volunteers. HAPPY TO HELP!
The question: How many times did you lick a hoo-hoo in 2010? Well, we all know that guys are not as gung-ho in oral sex administration as gals. We hold this truth to be self-evident. However, according to this year's startling statistical analysis, SINGLE men are more inclined to lick the hoo-hoo than married guys! For single ladies, that's great news, and should inspire you to renew your efforts and boost those numbers in the pee-pee sucking department. On the other hand, for married ladies? THAT FUCKING SUCKS. Look, girlfriend! If your man isn't fulfilling his husbandly duties, then put that dog on a leash until he's ready to lap the bowl! SAH-NAP! (I apologize for the previous analogy—but I'm really angry right now!!)
The question: How many times did you tongue a poo-poo in 2010? Since poo tonguing crosses the gender divide, let's break it down in the most simple terms: While 67% of you refuse to tongue a poo (claiming it "tastes like ass"), men are twice as likely to engage in poo tonguing than women. Frankly, I have no advice to give you ladies on how to make the act of poo-poo licking more palatable... maybe include a can of whipped cream?
STOP LYING, LIAR!
As previously mentioned, if you filled out this survey with a partner, odds are that at least one of you (if not both) are lying your asses off. Here are a few possible examples:
When asked, "If the world was ending tomorrow, would you choose to sleep with your current partner or someone different," an unbelievable 63% of you chose "current partner." That is so obviously a lie, we're lowering that stat to a much more realistic 32%. HEY! FUCK WITH SCIENCE, AND WE'LL FUCK WITH YOU!!
Another example: "Do you think your partner is in perfect shape, or could use some work?" A 63% majority responded, "Oh, he/she is just PERFECT the way he/she is!" You... LIE! I see the way you compare my structurally perfect ass to the double wads of fat trailing your husband/wife. I'm reducing that stat to 20%.
Next: "If a partner brought up the idea of an open sexual relationship, would you consider it?" 42% said, "Sure, why not, I'm cool." Bull... shit. You are not that cool. In fact, you're a jealous bitch. 14%.
Also: "If you could cheat on your partner, and get away with it scot-free, would you do it?" 48% of you gasped, "NEVER!!" Okay. I'm holding up two pictures: One is of naked Justin Timberlake, the other is naked Mila Kunis. In three... two... one... 7%.
WE KNOW WHAT GIRLS LIKE, WE KNOW WHAT GUYS WANT
Since we've clearly established some of you as lying liars (but at least you're sexy liars), this next series of questions separated the boys from the girls to find out what each sex really prefers. For example, HEY GUYS! Did you know that a majority of your partners would happily dig around for your prostate if asked? (Pro tip: Send her an embossed invitation on high-quality linen rather than an Evite. Classier.) HEY GIRLS! Did you know that 67% of men would possibly agree to fulfill your wish of pegging him in the bottom, if asked? (Pro tip: No invite needed! Just wait until he's asleep, strap on, sneak up behind him, and slam it home! Jeez, just kidding guys! Why so butt sore?)
For those keeping score at home, a majority of women (31%) would rather give their men a blowjob than a handjob—though an extremely honest 11% said they would do "whichever takes less time." (THANK YOU! FINALLY!) Though here's a funny little stat: When the ladies were asked if they "love the taste of semen," a two-to-one majority answered "HELL TO THE NO." However, when MEN were asked if they loved the taste of veej juice, a whopping 84% majority said, "HELL TO THE YES!" (Hey, guys who don't enjoy licking muff! Give it a try, it's like a piña colada down there!)
PENISES: Does size "really" matter? Apparently not so much! An 83% majority of men claim their erect penises rocket to a majestic five-to-eight inches long... and that's EXACTLY what the majority of women (68%) in our survey say they prefer! Yay! So there's no longer any performance issues to worry about, right? WRONG. While most of our guys (60%) say they can withstand five minutes or less of continued thrusting before ejaculating, our horny gals (52%) prefer at least 15-20 minutes of jackhammering porn star-style boning to keep them satisfied.
Sigh. Well, 10 more years of therapy, here we come.
More Sex Survey Shenanigans! Featuring... Your Write-in Votes!
What's the sexiest place in Portland to have public sex?
24 Hour Fitness locker room • Abercrombie & Fitch dressing room • Against the side of a car on a dark street late at night • Peninsula Park in the rose garden • Audubon Society on Cornell • Devils Point bathroom • Benson High School • Bins parking lot • Central Library, third floor men's room • Family changing room at East Portland Community Center • Forest Park trails • Handjob on the MAX • Hood of car in Washington Park • In a butt • In a vagina • In Keyla's butt or vagina • Jamison Square park • Jiffy Lube • KGW's flower bed • Ladd's Addition • Mercury foyer • Mt. Tabor • My Prius • Neighbors' backyard close to Dots Café after margaritas • On the roof of my building • Oregon Zoo • Pill Hill car pullouts • Pittock Mansion • Powell's (fewer employees to catch you now) • PSU engineering building • In my not-boyfriend's backyard in the kiddie pool • Under St. Johns Bridge • Vera Katz statue • Ya mutha's hoo-hoo
What Portland business has the sexiest staff? Here's your top 10!
#1. Stumptown Coffee
#2. Powell's Books, New Seasons (tie)
#3. Portland Mercury (aw, shucks)
#4. Bye and Bye
#5. Voodoo Doughnut, Fred Meyer (tie)
#6. Dutch Bros. Coffee, Fantasy (tie)
#7. Pine State Biscuits
#8. Mary's Club
#9. Bishops Barbershop
#10. CC Slaughters, Les Schwab, Ace Hotel (three-way tie... ooh, three-way)
I'm ashamed to tell anybody that, sexually, I'm kind of into...
Just watching • Elephant trunking • Rape role playing • Abstinence • Effeminate men • "Arriving" on my partner • Getting slapped around a little • Girls in tights • Armpit hair • Anal play • Ass to mouth • Bareback gangbangs • Amputees • Beards • Being a slut puppy • Spanked and ridiculed • Being shared publicly • Blowjob porn (I'm a queer lady) • Carrie Brownstein • Cheerleader outfits (no, not male ones) • Choking • Cyber sexing with strangers • Doughnuts and Vaseline • Female ejaculation • Filming myself while masturbating • Girls that COULD beat me up... but don't • Hair pulling • Threesomes • Incest play • Jizz on tits • Lesbian anal • Male gymnasts • Ejaculating on my partner's underwear • Multi-tabbed RedTubing • Masturbating with ice • Pegging • Ponies • Toe sucking • Skinny white dudes with big noses and tattoos • Pantyhose • Shoeboxes • Star Trek outfits • Sucking strap-ons • That little Justin Bieber girl • Chicks with dicks • Vampire play • Watching men masturbate • Leg warmers • Weird-colored contact lens • Your mom • Your mother • No, really. Your mom.
The sexiest thing I did in the last 10 years was...
A foursome • A naked sundae fight in my parents' giant shower • 30-guy orgy with gay soccer team • Anal sex in the Acropolis parking lot • Fun behind the curtain at Old Navy • Blew a guy for a cigarette • Bought a strap-on and used it on my husband • Went down on her as she sat on the ledge of an open window • Shot a sex tape • Fingerbanged my girlfriend in a closet at her family reunion • Fingered my friend's wife in front of him • Fingered a coworker on our boss' desk • Fucked to the rhythm of her heartbeat using a stethoscope [Sorry to interrupt here, but that totally sounds like the title to a Debbie Gibson song.—Wm. Steven Humphrey] • Had a guy fuck me while shoving my panties in my mouth • Five-way in a Thai bathhouse • Sex on the grounds of the Mormon temple • Had my undies ripped off of me • Sex in the woods with a lumberjack • Hooked up with siblings (brother and sister)—not at the same time! EW! • Cross-dressed, had my dick sucked in a theater • Loud sex in Powell's warehouse • Made a guy forget his name from coming so hard. High five! • Dry humped a stranger in a downtown elevator • Running naked through the arboretum with my girlfriend • Secret camping sex • Did it on an air hockey table • Showed up on a guy's doorstep, handcuffed, in lingerie, smoking a cigarette • Your mom • Your mom• Your mom, duh