So my mom? She's so basic and so totally thirsty over something called a "Madonna" coming to town this week? And I'm like, "MOM. tbh? No one even knows what a Madonna is." And Mom gets this look on her face like the time I had to explain the term "cum gutters." So then of course she puts me on blast and is all, "Well you should know 'what' a 'Madonna' is, young lady! Madonna laid some very important groundwork, so might I suggest you look it up??!"
Mom is zero chill on many levels.
And no, I am def not "looking it up," MOM. Why? For the same reason I don't "look up" stuff like quantum mechanical fluctuations—I'm fairly certain that whatever that is, it won't up my eyebrow game. (tbh, my eyebrow game is weak compared to Elise Romy Patterson-McKinley's. Hers are on fleek.) Also? tl;dr.
However (SIGH), we've been learning about "hypotheses" and stuff? You know, in science class? So to boost Mom's zero chill to plus three, I'll agree to make a "hypothesis" about whatever a "Madonna" is.
Hypothesis #1: Madonna is like, the Bible? I don't know... it just sounds sort of religious and stuff. Or maybe she's the mom of Jesus, and... OH!
Hypothesis #2: Madonna is totally Jesus' mom! Maybe? I'm... I'm not sure! But Sylvia Marina Hudson, who has to go to church and whose mom won't even let her wear dresses without sleeves? She talked about a "Madonna" one time, or at least started to, before me and Elise told Sylvia that her eyebrow game was ratchet and then Sylvia started crying and then she wiped her snot on one of her sleeves.
Hypothesis #3: Madonna is... some chick Britney Spears kissed? And Britney Spears is like, as old as my mom, so gross. Two old ladies slapping tongue? Ewww! YEAH, MOM. THAT'S SOME AWESOME "GROUNDWORK." #eyeroll
Anyway, I'm stoked mom is stepping out with her silver sneakers club to see Madonna this week—because me and my girls are gonna be having an eyebrow party, and shit is gonna get TURNT UP! OH SWERVE DOH! SWAG MONEY, Y'ALL! YAAAASSSS! #SORRYNOTSORRY!