Dear Militia Patriot Occupying a Federal Bird Sanctuary: We are ardent "birders," and during our last visit to Oregon's Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, my husband swears he saw a preponderance of great blue herons... but I insist what he actually saw were greater sandhill cranes. Who is right?—Margaret Fenster, Duluth, Georgia

DEAR MARGARET: The federal government is a God-forsaken crock of shit! Our tyrannical dictator Barry O'Bama and his corrupt cronies at the BLM are trying to STEAL land meant for hard-working Americans! Instead of useless national parks, America needs MORE land for ranching, logging, and mining our nation's vital resources! This land is for the PEOPLE! Not greedy, land-grabbing TYRANTS!! As for your bird question, I'm not exactly sure... let me check one of the displays here in the office. Okay, so it says that, "Great blue herons are less bulky than sandhill cranes, without the drooping bustle at the tail." It also notes that the refuge is "supporting over 20 percent of the Oregon population of breeding greater sandhill cranes (Grus canadensis tabida)." Sooo... yeah. Sounds like your husband is full of shit. JUST LIKE BARRY O'BAMMY! Thank you for writing. It's kind of lonely up here.

Dear Militia Patriot Occupying a Federal Bird Sanctuary: I'm considering a bird-watching trip to Malheur this spring... but unless I spot some gadwall or Eurasian wigeon, it's not worth my time. How are my chances?—Bill Butler, Omaha, Nebraska

DEAR BILL: As a certified member of Citizens for Constitutional Freedom AND a God-fearing patriot, I have but one task: to PROTECT and DEFEND the Constitution and personal LIBERTY against the whorish federal government! We do not stand for fame or fortune! We stand for our CHILDREN and their FREEDOM! As the Declaration of Independence clearly states, "we mutually pledge to each other our LIVES, our FORTUNES, and our SACRED HONOR"!! Anyway, so I'm looking at this brochure I found on the floor, and it says that during the spring season, gadwalls are in "abundance" at Malheur, while Eurasian wigeon sightings are "rare." So whether you should make the trip or not sounds like a toss-up to me, brother! (But if you do come, and we haven't been killed or arrested, can you please bring snacks, preferably turkey jerky and Vienna sausages? Oh, and if I could borrow your Netflix password, that would be great.)