AMERICA is turning into a burning garbage heap of immorality and tyranny. Hello, I'm Phillip Abernathy, and I'm a fourth grader at Donald M. Adams Elementary School—and my concern for America continues. Yes, I may be "only" nine years old, but my eyes are wide open to the bureaucratic corruption that has polluted America—and, by extension, Mrs. Pullman's entire fourth grade class.
Example ONE: "Fish Stick Fridays." Our US Constitution (the supreme law of the land) grants us freedom of choice, and yet, where is the choice, where is the freedom in being served fish sticks at lunch every... single... Friday? Patriots such as myself have taken our grievances to our student government—GRIEVANCES IGNORED. These bureaucratic fat cats (I'M LOOKING DIRECTLY AT YOU, EDDIE "THE BUTTHOLE" THOMPSON) expect WE THE PEOPLE to continuously fill their bowls with chocolate milk, while denying us a single lick. Enjoy that chocolate milk, you freedom-hating fat cats! I hope you choke on your tyranny.
Example TWO: Drones. President Barry O'Bammy and his cronies have no qualms about setting up a drone surveillance state—but when I bring a drone to school and use it to expose the LIES of our administration, I'm the one who's sent to the principal's office? Video evidence procured by my drone PROVES that the school supply closet is full of glue sticks—even as officials beg our hapless parents to pay, pay, and pay for "critical" supplies. MY DRONE SEES YOUR PATHETIC ATTEMPTS AT SOCIALISM, PRINCIPAL MEYERS! Your hypocrisy sickens me, and I will not stop until I get the TRUTH. (It might take a while, because my stupid sister crashed my drone into the toilet last week, and Mom says I have to wait for my birthday to get another one. Oppressor.)
Example THREE: Gift Wrap Sales. Every year, students are forced to sell gift wrap or coupon books to raise money for the fifth grade overnight trip to Winkle's Pioneer Homestead. What do fourth graders get out of it? I'll tell you. We get two little words: Jack SHIT. That's called "taxation without representation," you fascist swine, and it's a slap in the face to our brave forefathers, who gave their very lives to ensure we live in a land unblighted by corruption. Simmering beneath this so-called "fundraiser" is the bubbling cauldron of socialism—and I shall not taste of that witch's brew!
Storm clouds are approaching! Liberty is under siege! Wake up, Obama! Principal Meyers, Eddie "The Butthole" Thompson, and Mrs. Jones-Buckman (that's the lunch lady) are tirelessly working to nullify our precious, blood-bought civil liberties! Yes, my concern for America continues—because without that concern, without action, our school and eventually our country will be overtaken by corrupt politicos intent on force-feeding us the bitter fish sticks of tyranny! Without mayonnaise!