MONDAY, AUGUST 5
While our One Day at a Time go-to gals Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes work on their mental issues and sobriety (BOOOOOOO. Just kidding. No really, BOOOOOOO.), who's going to entertain us? How about America's number-one douchebag, fucking Justin Bieber? Here's this week's example of JB douchebaggery: According to the New York Post, 22-year-old Wayne Rennalls was partying at a Southampton club, wearing a tiny white H&M tie. (BOOOOOO. Just kidding. No really, BOOOOOOO.) When a waitress showed interest in it—possibly because she's stupid?—Wayne let her try it on, but then? Here comes fucking Justin Bieber stalking around the club, pointing a flashlight at the tramps he liked. (UNGHH. Sooo the worst.) Naturally our stupid waitress was caught in Bieber's tractor beam and wandered off into his orbit, leaving Wayne to say, "What about my tiny white H&M tie??" Following the waitress, Wayne was stopped by Bieber's security thugs, but after persistently whining, "I want my tiny white H&M tie back! I want my tiny white H&M tie back!" they gave him his stupid tie, and that should've been the end to that. Except, of course, it wasn't. Later in the parking lot, Bieber allegedly called Wayne a "punk bitch" and possibly threw something at him. Filled with tiny white tie fury, Wayne picked up a small rock and—using all the strength his tiny white H&M tie could muster—limply threw it in Bieber's direction. UH... OH. Here's what happened next according to an onsite source: "That's when Wayne heard someone yell, 'You done fucked up now.' Justin jumped out the sunroof of his car and slid down the car like he was in Die Hard." Let's pause for some hysterical laughter... and continue! "[Then Bieber] dropped his shirt and threw his hat and wanted to throw hands," the source continued. "His people surrounded Wayne, who was getting punched from all angles." Ouch. Unsurprisingly, Wayne filed an assault charge the next day, claiming he suffered a black eye, a busted lip, and bruised ribs in the attack. Yes, yes, Wayne, you're perfectly in your rights... but answer the question we really care about! What happened to the tiny white H&M tie??
TUESDAY, AUGUST 6
This just in: Lindsay Lohan still sober! (BOOOOOO. Just kidding. No really, BOOOOOOO.) In fact she's SO sober, she's making sure that wherever she goes, the booze has to be removed beforehand. She ordered the Beverly Hills Hotel staff to clear out the mini bar in her room, and is insisting that any future dressing rooms be alcohol-free. She's even telling her mom to remove the hootch from her house when she comes to visit—which will be a challenge since Dina Lohan fills her hot tub with Crown Royal. MEANWHILE... Guess who's allegedly back together? Sparkle-skinned Twilight dweeb Robert Pattinson and his cheating, possibly high-functioning autistic former girlfriend Kristen Stewart! How do we know this? Because gossip site X17 saw RPat visit KStew's house... for nearly TWO hours! Obviously this not only signifies they've gotten back together, but we can also assume they're already married, had five children, divorced, gotten re-married, and then died 27 years ago. Good luck, you crazy kids!
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7
In "old people news," old person Sylvester Stallone asked his great-grandchildren to "text one of them Twitter mails" regarding his continuing Expendables movie franchise that said, "WILLIS OUT . . . HARRISON FORD IN!!!! GREAT NEWS!!!!! Been waiting years for this!!!!" Then, after taking his medication and remembering no one knows what he's talking about, he followed up with a second twatter, saying, "GREEDY AND LAZY... A SURE FORMULA FOR CAREER FAILURE." As it turns out Grampy Stallone was talking about co-geezer Bruce Willis who had reportedly demanded a million dollars a day for four days of work. Stallone considered the offer, laughed, farted, and then fell asleep. After waking from his nap, he quickly hired a replacement geezer—aged and decrepit Harrison Ford. In response, Bruce Willis was institutionalized for advanced dementia, and Sly Stallone laughed until his dentures fell out.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 8
Speaking of twat-heads using Twatter, the twatastic Chris Brown made a shocking announcement today on his Twatter machine: "Don't worry mainstream America, after this X album, it'll probably be my last album." WHAT? WHAT? REALLY? Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyywaitasecond, asshole! Who are you calling "mainstream"? (Oh, he probably means the majority of people who don't beat women to a pulp. Go on!) "Being famous is amazing when it's for ur music and talent," he twatterfied. "I'm tired of being famous for a mistake I made when i was 18. I'm cool & over it!" For those considering what Chris Brown should put on his gravestone? "I'm cool & over it!" isn't a bad choice.
FRIDAY, AUGUST 9
Well, dears, we're just going to come out and admit it: We are very impressed with Lindsay Lohan. Looking healthy and gorgeous for the first time in entirely too long, Linds guest-hosted Chelsea Lately this week! And she was... great? "LiLo greeted the roaring crowd with an ear-to-ear smile," raved E! of Lohan's first taping, adding that she was "strutting her svelte figure and giving off a radiant glow.... According to a source close to production, Lindsay arrived on set right on time and did a great job during rehearsals, and that was evident during the actual show." And how! Lindsay was funny, sharp, and charming, reminding everybody why she was so delightful in films like Mean Girls... before the dark times. (The fact Linds made fun of Kristen Stewart in her opening monologue helped.) A new leaf for Lindsay? We hope so! At the very least, maybe she'll just be the new permanent host of Chelsea Lately—which would be swell, since then the show would be tolerable.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 10
The Amanda Bynes Funtime Mental Health Adventure Saga continues this week—with a heretofore unthinkable plot twist! Following the troubled starlet's recent fire-starting, dog-gasoline-dousing shenanigans, Mandy has been placed on a 30-day psychiatric hold, with her parents gaining "temporary conservatorship" over their daughter, thus taking control of her medical care and finances. (Seriously, the Britney Spears of 2007 parallels are getting a teensy bit creepy.) Hopefully Bynes' parents will still let her use her phone every once in a while, though, because it's been way too long since we've received an update about whether Drake is ugly or not. MEANWHILE... George Clooney continues to be the absolute dreamiest—even when he's trying to sell people crap! The impossibly handsome and charming Clooney, who stars in commercials for Nestlé's stupidly named coffee Nespresso, has taken a new role with the company. "I thought if I was going to be involved on a long-term basis with this company... I should find out what they're doing and what they should and could be held responsible for," the actor explained. As a result, the Guardian reports, he's forced the oft-criticized Nestlé to pay coffee growers more—as well as source coffee from South Sudan, the war-torn country Clooney has long drawn attention to. And that's not all! "Most of the money I make on the commercials I spend keeping a satellite over the border of North and South Sudan to keep an eye on Omar al-Bashir," Clooney offhandedly remarked, casually referencing the brutal Sudanese dictator he's spying on, just in case. "Then [al-Bashir] puts out a statement saying that I'm spying on him, and how would I like it if a camera was following me everywhere I went? And I go, 'Well, welcome to my life, Mr. War Criminal.'" George Clooney: an A-list movie star, a self-made secret agent, and he'll bring you free-trade coffee in bed the next morning? Sigh.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 11
And now someone has gone and undone all of the good put into the world by our beloved George. And to the shock of exactly no one, it's Justin Bieber. "TMZ has obtained photos of a completely nude Biebs strumming away on his big wooden instrument... at his grandmother's home in Toronto during Thanksgiving back in November 2012," the 1,000 percent awful sentence reads, and TMZ's photos show a naked Bieber—wearing only a guitar—inexplicably playing music for his grandmother. It gets worse. "We're told birthday-suited Bieber went right up to his grandma and started belting out some impromptu lyrics," TMZ continues. "Like, 'I looooove you grandmaaaa... how are youuuu... helloooo grandma.'" And thus, in a week filled with a Lindsay Lohan comeback, George Clooney creating world peace, and Chris Brown possibly quitting music, somehow... somehow, humanity is still in worse shape now than we were seven days ago.