MONDAY, OCTOBER 28
Yesterday, Chris Brown was in jail on a felony assault charge, and the world was once again a beautiful place where rose petals fall from the sky. Today, it's raining shit—because not only has his felony charge been knocked down to a misdemeanor, it looks like the abusive Mr. Teflon is going to once again skate away unscathed. As you undoubtedly recall, ever since he nearly murdered former girlfriend Rihanna with his fists back in 2009, Brown has committed a string of violent acts, culminating in his performance this past weekend when he allegedly threw a homophobic slur at a photo bombing fan, followed by a punch which fractured the man's nose. (According to the police report, Brown's bodyguard jumped into the action as well, also pummeling the fan.) Though originally processed as a felony assault (which could've resulted in serious jail time for the on-probation Brown), the judge in the case frustratingly let both men walk, knocking the charge down to a misdemeanor. Why? Probably because of conflicting eyewitness testimony. According to TMZ, the police originally wrote that the bodyguard threw the first punch—though it was later amended to Chris doing the initial brutalization. Then his crowd of supporters (AKA Team Breezy) claimed the victim had actually forced his way onto Brown's tour bus, and the singer was "just defending his property." The resulting confusion apparently worked in Brown's favor, since he's now free to roam the streets until his next court date of November 24. As we know, there is nothing Team Breezy—the worst fan base in the history of the universe—wouldn't do to protect this violent creep. FOR EXAMPLE... According to the Washington Post, a huge crowd of Brown supporters showed up outside the courthouse for his hearing, blocking people involved in other cases from getting inside, and waving signs like this one: "He Was Just Protecting Himself. He's Too Cute to be in DC Jail." (Uggghhnnn.) Are alternate universes real? Because we think we've somehow wound up in the wrong one.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29
More proof that we've been unfairly transported and detained in an alternate universe: KIM KARDASHIAN. Immediately following the birth of her baby North West, Kim taped an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, in which she actually uttered these horrifying words: "When I came back from the hospital, the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It's better looking than before!" Please... stop this alternate universe! We want to get off! MEANWHILE... Because he is so very innocent of his recent misdemeanor charge—the one where he was "protecting his property" by spewing gay slurs before breaking a fan's nose... you know... allegedly—Chris Brown has decided to check himself into rehab to battle his ongoing anger problems. (Either that or to look better in the judge's eyes when he returns to court on November 24. Six of one!) "His goal is to gain focus and insight," says the spokesperson Brown pays handsomely to utter bald-faced lies. "[Rehab is] enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point." Note to Chris: The next time you decide to check yourself into rehab, follow the lead of Lindsay Lohan. At least she pretended like she wanted it to work.
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 30
Kind of like those people with the anti-fluoride campaign, Kanye West seems to think if you scream enough untruths loud enough, everyone will begin to believe it. Case in point: Fresh off his failure to get his fiancée/nouveau riche loser Kim Kardashian a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, now he's settling for the next best thing... a Vogue cover. "There's no way Kim Kardashian shouldn't be on the cover of Vogue," Kanye yelled in all-caps to nodding bobble head/radio host Ryan Seacrest. "She's like the most intriguing woman right now. She's got Barbara Walters calling her like every day." Yeezus then went on to note that Kim has already landed a cover of CR Fashion Book, saying, "[Former French Vogue editor] Carine Roitfeld supports my girl. There's a wall of classism that we are breaking though." (By the way, the "wall" he's referring to is in the east wing of the Kardashian's mansion, and was constructed almost entirely of the bones and tears of sweatshop children who toiled to make her Kardashian Kollection for Sears. As you know, Vogue does all its shopping there.)
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31
In his continuing bid to become the worst person in the universe, formerly adorable pop star Justin Bieber did some wall tagging on the streets of Bogota, Colombia—where such graffiti is legal—writing on a wall in spray paint, "Free Breezy." Is there a rehab for burgeoning douchebags?
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1
Our once-proud nation continued its descent into mediocrity today when an across-the-board cut to food stamp funding took $5 billion from SNAP, America's program that, according to Reuters, is "designed to help poor people—most of them children, disabled, or elderly—buy food." Considering the staggering fact that one out of every seven Americans is on food stamps, this bodes terribly—and even worse is the news that in 2015, according to MSNBC, "food stamps are expected to receive another automatic cut of $6 billion." At least Congress is on the case, vowing to pass legislation that will fund—ha! Oh, we're sorry, dears. We tried to keep a straight face when we wrote that, but we couldn't. Congress isn't doing anything, of course. At all! MEANWHILE... Justin Bieber remains delightfully oblivious to the struggles of his countrymen—dropping $10,000 in 90 minutes during a recent trip to VLive, "an alcohol-free strip club in Houston"! "I walked away with $7,000," Texan stripper Diamond bragged to In Touch. "A few other girls split the rest. He grabbed my butt and asked me if it was real, and smiled when I said yes." Alright, Biebs. You've had quite the exciting week, little man! Now put away your spray paint and leave Diamond's butt alone. It's naptime.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2
Oh dear. As soon as we told him to take his widdle nap, Justin Bieber went and... well, he... ugh. "Justin Bieber tried to sneak out of a brothel in Brazil while covered in a sheet," Page Six reports, adding, "the 19-year-old pop star and a friend spent more than three hours in the popular whorehouse Centauros in Rio de Janeiro." While Bieber's handlers, in an admirable but stupid attempt at subtlety, "covered him with a bed sheet bearing the sex den's logo as he walked out of the establishment," Justin was identified "by his gray wraparound wrist tattoo, which is visible in some photos, and his signature sneakers." While Bieber—we mean, a mysterious ghost—was whisked away to the Copacabana Palace hotel, he was reportedly joined by two ladies from Centauros—adding fuel to rumors that last week he paid a prostitute $500 for sex in Panama City! "Please stop believing rumors, they are just that. bs rumors, getting tired of it, no truth to them. moving on now. seriously moving on," Bieber angst-tweeted after photos of him leaving a brothel in a sheet hit the internet. By "moving on," we assume he meant "to the next whorehouse." Keep an eye out, ladies, for a tiny little ghost! You're about to have a magical night... assuming your butts are real.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3
You were probably having a pleasant day not thinking about Gwyneth Paltrow—but don't worry! She's here to remind you she exists! And she doesn't like what you've been saying about her! "The older I get I realize it doesn't matter what people who don't know you think," Paltrow lied to the British magazine Red. Paltrow then proceeded to drop several horrid British-isms, claiming other women who judge her (i.e., "everyone") make her "cross" and she shouldn't be judged by "all the other mums." Gwynnie, honey, we know you claim not to care... but you really are the absolute worst. Cheerio! MEANWHILE... There's trouble in paradise for Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes! "She sees a text from a mystery number and she assumes he's talking to other girls," a source gabs to Us. "He can be moody, and she's insecure... I wouldn't be surprised if they split up for good soon." Oh, Ryan! We're so sorry to hear things are rough! We haven't spoken since we first met at that Young Hercules press junket in 1998—when you were a dreamy, barely legal 18, and the madly popular, award-winning One Day at a Time was just a twinkle in our seductive eyes. Still, we'd love to catch up! We'll text you, dear! (And if that paranoid freak Eva sees our text and gets jelly? Just tell her it's for an in-depth, up-close interview.)