MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23 We'll admit it: At first we were INFURIATED by the absence of Hollyweird hottie George Clooney from last night's Academy Awards—that is until we learned that he was too busy stepping out of our dreams and into our nethers by orchestrating the greatest meet-up in the history of hunkiness: this morning's get-together with President Barack Obama! Move over, Octomom—we got pregnant just from reading the headline! Seriously... can you imagine? The world's two most gorgeous and powerful men... in the same oval office?? It's a perfect storm of HOT! In one fell swoop, Clooney and Obama have transformed the White House from the ovary-shriveling UN-sexiest place on earth to the Office of Homeland Chicka-wow-chicka-wow-chicka-chicka-wow-WOW! Hmmm? What's that? You'd like to know why Georgie was meeting with Obama? OH! Of course... let's see... according to CNN, George was meeting with Barack to discuss the humanitarian crisis in Sudan's Darfur region, and—BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ONE DAY AT A TIME NEWS DESK—We interrupt this story about George Clooney to bring you another, more pressing story about George Clooney. According to People magazine, the gorgeous George will be returning to ER on March 12 for one final episode! EEEEEEEEE! (Oh, and apparently his former co-star/skank Julianna Margulies will be returning as well. SNORE!) "If you're a fan of ER, you won't want to miss this one!" gushed producer John Wells. There is no word at this point whether or not Clooney will be removing his shirt, or his pants. THIS HAS BEEN BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ONE DAY AT A TIME NEWS DESK. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE PREVIOUS GEORGE CLOONEY STORY, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. ...tied up, and licking strawberry jam off our breasts. Anyway, enough about Darfur. Leaving the White House, George took time to comment on how fucking thrilled we all are that his former character "Dr. Ross" will be returning to ER. "It should be fun," he said. Did you hear that? Did you? Oh, sweet Jesus, he's dreamy!!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24 Speaking of President Barack Obama, did you catch tonight's "Address to Congress"? HEART FLUTTER! He was so poised and handsome and smart and the only way it could have been improved is if he'd been flanked by identical George Clooneys. (Shirtless, of course.) Unfortunately—and unsurprisingly—the mood was completely ruined by those uggo Republicans, and in particular Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal who followed Obama's inspiring speech with the absolutely terrible GOP response. Now, we're sorry—but what do the Republicans see in this nerd? He looks like the guy from our high school's AV department that we laughed at when he asked us to prom. We mean, C'MON! Even his own party hated him! "Some conservative needs to start a campaign to fire whoever wrote this cheesy response and coached him to talk like this," opined conservative columnist Amanda Carpenter. In Jindal's defense, he was forced to follow one of the great orators of our time—and he wasn't flanked by two shirtless George Clooneys. GOP, please make a note of it.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25 Today Octomom Nadya Suleman was offered $1 million and a year's worth of health insurance to act in a porno. Our Hubby Kip has also offered his services to help name this movie, coming up with a disturbingly long list of titles including, Octojuicy, Eight Hot Dogs in an Airplane Hangar, and Slutmom Millionaire. MEANWHILE... Have they discovered OctoDAD? Denis Beaudoin tells TMZ that he had been in a three-year relationship with Suleman, and she had lied about having cancer in order to "obtain his seed." Whether true or not, no one has the right to call sperm "seed." Ga-ross! Why don't they make a law against that?!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26 Remember Britney Spears' scumbaggy ex-boy toy Adnan Ghalib? He's been arrested for attempting to run over a process server who was trying to deliver a restraining order obtained by Brit's father. The soul-patched d-bag has since been charged with assault with a deadly weapon, hit and run, and battery—which means, if convicted (and if there is a god), Ghalib could serve up to seven years in prison. (Just curious: Can prisoners take out a restraining order against their douchebaggy cell mates?)
FRIDAY, FEBURARY 27 Love Slumdog Millionaire? Then you'll hate this one: "FROM SLUMDOG TO SLAPDOG," shouts the UK's Daily Mail. "Child actor beaten by father for refusing to leave shack." In the most joy-killing story of the year, the Mail reports that 10-year-old Azharuddin Ismail, who played Slumdog's main character as a child, "received a beating" from his father outside of the family home in a Mumbai slum. "The ugly scene lasted no more than 30 seconds after [the father] Ismail, who is infected with TB, was restrained by neighbors," the story went on, getting even more depressing. "The child's mother, who is blind in one eye, had also begged Ismail, 45, to stop the physical punishment." And the Oscar for the world's biggest asshole goes to....
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28 "I remind myself every day that I am lucky," Jennifer Aniston gushed to Elle. "Look what people are really living through. There's no comparison. I am happy." Jen, we're so glad to hear that! Usually, middle-aged actresses with horsey-faces who've had their sex symbol husbands stolen away tend to have exactly the opposite attitu—UPDATE! "Jennifer Aniston and Owen Wilson have been forced to eat dog biscuits on live TV," reports digitalspy.com. While promoting dog flick Marley & Me on the German television show Wetten, Dass...? [Yes, really.—Ann], Aniston and Wilson reportedly lost a bet with the show's host—and in Germany, that apparently means you have to eat dog biscuits. Aniston, after calling them a "little dry," stomped her hoof and noted that she would need at least three buckets of oats and a carrot to get the taste out of her mouth.
SUNDAY, MARCH 1 Dweebs across the globe can suck it, says charming 30-year-old actor Matthew Goode! "I think the fanboys aren't particularly happy," Goode told The Sun about the mixed reaction to his role as one of Watchmen's gazillion lead characters. "But if fanboys still hate the film after going and seeing it, they can all line up and suck my dick." The silver-tongued thesp continued, "I don't give a fuck. I'm having a child and that's more important to me—so I don't give a fuck. Grow a dick." MEANWHILE, IN THE FUTURE.... 57-year-old Matthew Goode will come home to his one-bedroom apartment, exhausted from yet another comic book convention where he desperately sold his autograph to smirking fanboys. "If one more overweight man-child asks me to record their voicemail message with 'Leave a message or not, I don't give a fuck, grow a dick,' I am so done with the con circuit," he'll say. "Besides, me and Mark Hamill have this new pilot we're gonna pitch around town...."
ATTENTION, DEARS! Now that you're finished with One Day at a Time, there's only one thing to do—chuck this rag in the trash and go to myspace.com/darkhorsepresents, where you'll find a new comic written by yours truly! Our latest adventure in comic book nerdery is free to read, features art by Kristian Donaldson, and guest-stars Franky and The Goon from Eric Powell's award-winning comic The Goon! AND.... If that's not enough for you, tap-tap-tap over to blogtown.portlandmercury.com for your chance to win one of five copies of MySpace Dark Horse Presents #2—a fancy-schmancy collection that includes our very first comic, Ann Romano: Gossip Whore, along with work from Gerard Way and Gabriel Bà, Evan Dorkin, Gilbert Hernandez, and more—plus an all-new introduction by your best friend Ann! FABBO!