MONDAY, MARCH 2 Congratulations, Portland! Today Business Week magazine has proclaimed us "The Unhappiest City in America!" Yay! We mean... boo-hoo-hoo! Unfortunately, Portland is just too sad to make a speech right now, so accepting the award for Portland is Detroit! "Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?" Detroit yelled into the mic. "Portland doesn't deserve this fuckin' award... WE DO! These fucks don't know what 'unhappy' means! Detroit leads the nation in fuckin' unemployment, fuckin' crime, and in general, FUCKIN' DESPAIR. But Business Week doesn't take that into account—they made their decision based on 'drug company data on antidepressant sales.' Earth to fuckin' Business Week: Detroit can't afford fuckin' antidepressants! We would love some fuckin' Zoloft, but we're too busy trying to raise enough cash to buy expired bologna! So give us the award we fuckin' DESERVE, Business Week. And as for you, Portland? Cheer up, you fuckin' losers." MEANWHILE... According to TMZ.com, Octomom Nadya Suleman is trying to sell the videotape of her giving birth to her eight babies... for seven figures! (Note to prospective buyers: Make sure you're getting actual video of her giving birth, and not just someone popping a piñata.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 3 Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir may be arrested on charges of crimes against humanity in Darfur, following a warrant issued today by the International Criminal Court. If successful, he would be the first sitting head of state to be arrested—though not for lack of trying (we're looking at YOU, George W. Bush). According to the prosecution, al-Bashir is not only accused of "murdering, exterminating, torturing, and forcibly transferring large numbers of civilians and pillaging their property," his militia also "waged a campaign of rape to drive women into the desert, where they die of starvation." One Sudan soldier says he was ordered "to kill, to rape children" and that any soldier that tried to disobey orders or escape would be shot. Defying the arrest order, al-Bashir told a rally of supporters, "We are telling them to immerse [the order] in water and drink it"—which is apparently is some kind of grave insult in Arabic culture. Reminder to all genocidal despots: In the fiery place where al-Bashir is eventually going, he won't even be given the option to "drink it." MEANWHILE... In much cheerier news, Britney Spears successfully completed her first concert tour date in five years. And get this! For two hours she sang and danced around in the semi-nude—without a single thing going wrong or major emotional breakdown! And in case you're wondering, ladies and gentlemen, after the past two years she's had? THAT is news!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4 Look, here's the way things operate in this world: Michael Jackson needs money, Londoners need Jackson's music and their teeth fixed. That's why Jackson announced his "comeback tour" today in which he will play 10 concerts at London's O2 arena, make a bazillion dollars and then retreat back to "Insaney Town." MEANWHILE... Remember last week when we experienced multiple O's after learning George Clooney had met with President Barack Obama? Well, the West Wing got even hornier after Brad Pitt dropped by the White House to discuss his charitable green rebuilding effort in New Orleans! Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was also supposed to meet with Pitt, but suffered an accident after slipping and falling in her own vaginal fluid. Who says the White House isn't a dangerous place to work?

THURSDAY, MARCH 5 In creepy Hollyweird relationship news, it appears that pop singer Rihanna has decided to give her allegedly abusive boyfriend Chris Brown another chance, as the two were spotted shacking up in the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. All we have to say is, "Girl, what ARE you thinking?!?" After all, Brown has been charged with two felonies including assault with intent to create great bodily injury or death, as well as criminal threats. According to on-the-scene detective reports released today, during the February 8 attack, Brown (1) allegedly attempted to push Rihanna out of the Lamborghini, hitting her head on the passenger window, (2) punched her while driving [causing her mouth to fill with blood], (3) then threatened, "I'm going to beat the shit out of you when we get home," and (4) after Rihanna texted her assistant to call the cops, Brown said, "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you." The fight grew worse from there, at which point Brown allegedly kept punching her, bit her ear, and put her in a headlock that almost made her lose consciousness. Yeah, we think we've heard enough. All together now: "Girl, what ARE you thinking?"

FRIDAY, MARCH 6 Call us crazy, but we think everyone's favorite tabloid headliner, the Octomom, might be getting some bad press. What's her side of things, we wonder? Let's ask her publicist! "This woman is nuts," Victor Munoz said today as he became the second of Octomom's publicists to quit. "You have no idea what I've had to do for these people." No, we don't, Vic—and if it had anything to do with a turkey baster, we don't want to know! (Ka-zing! It's like Octomom's a joke machine! She just keeps poppin' 'em out, one after the other....)

SATURDAY, MARCH 7 If we've learned one thing as Hollyweird's favorite gossip columnist, it's this: Celebrities' lives are not easy, people! Take Miley Cyrus! You might think that the star of Hannah Montana has a charmed life—but you'd think differently if you knew her secret heartache. Take this harrowing account from Miley's new memoir, Miles to Go, in which she talks about being teased at school and forced into the girls' restroom. "They shoved me in. I was trapped. I banged on the door until my fists hurt. Nobody came. I spent what felt like an hour in there, waiting for someone to rescue me, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up." Afterward, Miley's tormentors—who she describes as "big, tough girls"—confronted her. "It seemed like Operation Make Miley Miserable was escalating to a new level. More like Operation Take Miley Down," Cyrus writes. "Three girls strutted up and stood towering over me. My stomach churned. I clutched my grilled cheese sandwich like it was the hand of my best friend. It was pretty much my best friend those days." Reached for response, the grilled cheese sandwich said, "Hey, I barely knew her. She was the ugly kid with the big teeth, right?"

SUNDAY, MARCH 8 "My pussy is hangin' out!" Britney Spears exclaimed to a stadium full of fans tonight in Tampa, Florida. Turns out that the sound guy forgot to turn off Brit's microphone between songs—so during an offstage wardrobe change, her subtle, classy evaluation of her attire was broadcast to the entire crowd. And Brit, we have to tell you: It's about time! On your fourth date of your comeback tour, you're finally reminding us all of the good ol' Britters we know and love! MEANWHILE... Who knew Martha Stewart's Twitter feed was so tragic? Yesterday Stewart twittered, "chow breeder karen tracy lost 11 chows and five boarders in a tragic propane explosion—my little ghenghis khan perished in the blaze." "Ghenghis Khan" was Stewart's adorable Chow Chow puppy—until that freak explosion took him, and several other adorable Chow Chows, to Chow Chow Heaven. Which, yes, is very sad—unless you're Martha Stewart, that is. An hour and a half after twittering the explosion, Stewart tweeted again: "I am preparing a Chinese lunch for my guests today." (Yes, dears—Chow Chows are a Chinese breed.) Congrats to Martha for winning the annual One Day at a Time Award for "Worst Thing to Say After Your Adorable Puppy Dies in a Freak Explosion"—and readers, we'll totes let you know if Martha uses her Facebook status to ask if anyone has extra barbeque sauce.