MONDAY, AUGUST 18
We're all in agreement that last week sucked Shia LaBeouf balls—and while we'd love to report things are on the upswing this week... we kind of can't. The riots resulting from the police murder of black teenager Michael Brown continue to rage in Ferguson, Missouri, with authorities reacting with... frankly, a crazy potpourri of responses. After local police were unable to quell last week's protests, cops showed up in military gear—which didn't go so well. This was followed by the outlawing of "standing protests" (cops even told Reverend Jesse Jackson to move along), which in turn was followed by a curfew, which was then followed by the curfew being revoked. And today? The governor decided to send in the National Guard... but only to protect the police command center? Maybe? Meanwhile journalists attempting to report on the riots have found the police to be uncooperative at best, and violent at worst. Last week at least two reporters were arrested, an Al Jazeera crew was teargassed, and yesterday a KARG Argus radio correspondent was trying to film a live stream of the protests when a cop allegedly screamed at him, "Get the fuck out of here or I will shoot you with this [referring to his weapon]." Nice job, authorities (on making today just about as shitty as last week)!
TUESDAY, AUGUST 19
Okay, three pieces of news: one terrible, one awesome, and one super awesome. First, in apparent retaliation for US airstrikes on the militants of the Islamist State (ISIS), the terrorist group beheaded American journalist James Foley. According to the New York Times, the group had demanded a multimillion-dollar ransom for the reporter, which our government refused to pay—though the White House revealed they had attempted a secret Special Forces rescue of Foley and other American hostages earlier this summer... which unfortunately failed. IN MUCH BETTER NEWS... Texas Governor Rick Perry—who ran a gaffe-filled losing bid for the presidency in 2012—was indicted and booked today on charges of abuse of power after threatening to veto funding for state public corruption prosecutors. Perry was pissed when a Travis County district attorney refused to resign after facing drunken driving charges, and decided to retaliate by cutting $7.5 million to the state public integrity unit... apparently not recognizing the irony of that stupid decision. Naturally, Perry is trying to parlay his arrest into another possible 2016 presidential run—which if successful would make him the first actual criminal to become president. (That is, if you don't count George W. Bush, or for you Tea Baggers out there, Barack Obama. Who says we aren't fair?) AND IN THE BEST NEWS OF ALL... Twilight vamp (and former Kristen Stewart cuckold) Robert Pattinson admitted to the Guardian that he is so petrified at the thought of auditioning for acting roles, he actually spends 45 minutes "sitting in the corner, making myself throw up, and punching myself in the face." Which for some reason doesn't make us want to punch him in the face any less.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20
For weeks, rumors of an impending divorce have been swirling around pop superstars Beyoncé and Jay-Z—but REALLY? Has it really come to this?? According to Us magazine, a source reports that Queen B has been secretly consulting the grotesque Gwyneth Paltrow for advice on how to make their split more palatable to the general public. Apparently Bey wants to model her divorce on Gwyn and former hubby Chris Martin's now-laughably-infamous "conscious uncoupling." So: In a week of absolutely terrible, gut-twisting news, Gwyneth Paltrow has somehow once again figured out a way to make everything worse. HOW DOES SHE DO IT??
THURSDAY, AUGUST 21
Speaking of true love that's being shattered into a billion sharp pieces... Sources tell Us magazine that Sleepless in Seattle star Meg Ryan and 62-year-old rocker John Mellencamp have split up after three years of dating. (You're excused to go ask your grandparents who the hell we're talking about.) MEANWHILE... Ear-piercing singer Mariah Carey is divorcing not-very-funny comedian Nick Cannon, according to TMZ, after he confessed on a radio show that he once slept with Kim Kardashian. As you know, "having sex with Kim Kardashian" is the third most justified reason for divorce, following adultery and murdering every kitten on the planet. MEANWHILE... The whirlwind two-month romance between Fast and Furious star Michelle Rodriguez and High School Musical's Zac Efron has come to an abrupt end after the two allegedly had a blowout argument while vacationing in Ibiza, Spain. (You're excused to inform your grandparents who Zac Efron is.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
Oh. Oh... no. The 100 percent wonderful Jennifer Lawrence is reportedly dating the 100 percent awful Chris Martin—yes, that Chris Martin, whose unconscionable crimes against humanity include (1) naming his unwitting daughter "Apple" (with former co-conspirator Gwyneth Paltrow), (2) introducing the excruciating phrase "conscious uncoupling" upon an unsuspecting and innocent populace (also with partner-in-crime Paltrow), and eeeeeesh (3) Coldplay. With Martin's split from the despised Paltrow and Lawrence's split from Nicholas Hoult (who no one has ever heard of), the two "have been spending quality time together since late June," according to E!—at which point we started making so many vomiting noises that we couldn't finish the article. MEANWHILE... Matthew McConaughey is bringing back fanny packs! "I'm not afraid of the fanny pack," McConaughey bragged at a Red Sox game, after a clearly smitten Comcast SportsNet reporter asked what the actor was proudly wearing. "You gotta kind of put it on the side, to make it look a little not-as-nerdy, but still, practicality wins out. I got so much gear in here that I don't want in my pockets!" But wait, you're thinking, what's so terrible about that, Ann? This is just another example of Matthew McConaughey being charming! And normally, you'd be right—if Hubby Kip hadn't been watching the game... and immediately put on his own fanny pack! We don't even want to know what he's hiding in the damn thing! Thanks for nothing, McConaughey.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
Sad news: Brilliant actor and director Richard Attenborough passed away this weekend. He was 90 years old, and his rich career symbolized entirely different things to different generations—to one, he was an Oscar-winning director, while to another, he was best known for playing a doddering old man responsible for countless velociraptor attacks. "In a career that spanned six decades he appeared in films including Brighton Rock, World War II prisoner-of-war thriller The Great Escape, and later in dinosaur blockbuster Jurassic Park," the BBC reported. "As a director he was perhaps best known for Gandhi, which won him two Oscars." "He was a dear friend and I am standing in an endless line of those who completely adored him," Steven Spielberg said of Attenborough, who was knighted in 1976. RIP.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
Well, MTV's always-horrible Video Music Awards took place this evening, and they didn't disappoint in their horribleness! First, Katy Perry and Riff Raff loudly insisted that they were dating, leaving the VMAs "clearly tipsy" and "wearing matching denim outfits," according to TMZ, as they "joked about picking baby names." So that's... unfortunate. MEANWHILE... In a brief respite from the horribleness, Beyoncé performed while standing in front of a giant back-lit sign that read "FEMINIST." "It's no surprise that Beyoncé identifies as a feminist: She featured a speech on feminism by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on her song 'Flawless' and wrote a piece for the Shriver Report titled 'Gender Equality Is a Myth!" wrote Slate's Amanda Marcotte. "But the VMAs statement was next level—an unusually mainstream flaunting of feminist pride in our image-driven culture. And man did it feel good." Yeah! That! What she said! MEANWHILE... And just in time for your Beyoncé feel-good buzz to wear off, here comes—sigh—Miley Cyrus, who had a 22-year-old homeless man from Oregon accept the award for her "Wrecking Ball" video. "My name is Jesse," the man said. "I am accepting this award on behalf of the 1.6 million runaways and homeless youth in the United States." Meanwhile, the New York Times wrote, Cyrus "sat in the audience weeping as others clapped nervously." "Was Ms. Cyrus' move a serious turn toward philanthropy? A crass effort to improve her image? 'Ice Bucket Challenge' envy? All of the above?" the Times wondered. "It was hard to fully understand her motives." Well. At least she wasn't wearing a fanny pack.